1/06/2007 02:57:00 AM

dearest heavenly father,

• wan to thank you for being our god.. a god who's always so faithful, a god who has e best plans for us, a god who has so much wisdom, a god who has so much love, so much grace, a god who is so righteous, a god who's so sacrificial, a god who knows our heart even when we do not know. god, wat can we do w/o u in our life? w/o ur guidance, ur correction, ur rebuke, ur teachings.. i wont b who i am today..
  
• god u'r so awesome, i know u've e best plans for us. i know u've planned our lives right when we'r born ultimately to noe u n to meet u. god i'm so grateful to haf u in my life.
  god, juz wan to take this time to pray for all those out dere who is sick, those who r hurting now.. god i wan to pray dat u'll put ur healing hands over dem, u'll be w dem in ur most special way to comfort dem n to bring dem closer to u. i wan to pray dat dey'll be able understand and accept dat it is ur plan for things to happen this way. god i oso wan to pray dat e hearts of each n everyone out dem whether they'r sick or they'r hurting, dat they'll be able to find comfort n peace in u.. dat they'll not b win over by satan.. it's hard work but i noe dat dat's wat it takes.. praying to u, crying out to u, doing qt, being discipline are all hard wrk.. it takes effort to do so..
  
• god, juz wan to pray for e family dat u'll b w dem in a special way thru tough times like this for i noe dat u will not put us thru trials, struggles beyond wat we can bear. god i juz wan to pray for everyone's heart to be able to b focus on u, at peace, find comfort in u and draw closer to u thru tough times like this. god, i believe dat everyone will be able to pull thru w ur help, w ur strength. juz wan to leave everyth onto ur hands. in jesus name i pray, amen.

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11/23/2006 03:07:00 AM
*sigh*

been so so so sooooooooo bothered e whole afternoon n nite.. was so shocked to hear such a news.. i had mixed feelings..

on one hand felt dat i'm a lousy leader, didnt care abt how e ppl i'm leading feel.. in terms of in e kingdom, how much did i care abt how she feel n in st.john, how much did i care how he feel..

on e other hand i felt i'm being accused n wasnt even given a chance to explain myself..

he simply lied n left.. nv intend to let me noe, nv intend to clear e matter.. is dat wat n how a leader shld behave n handle things?

i dun think so..

why do u wan to make things so complicated? cant there be openness among one another? why cant things be said directly? why muz do this type of childish actions n end up making urself look so pitiful.. i hate this! i hate lie!

juz like those typical childhood times where e one who cries first wins..

come on'.. this is a uniform grp, we'r instructors organising a course for e cadets, not e childhood kind of quarrel over a toy or ice-cream or sweet..

can things be brought across directly? in a mature way?

but then again, ytd's lesson frm steph.. i cant assume others will be as open as me, be open to me when i'm open to them.. both he n she r insecure ppl who needs alot of assurrance.. gottaa pay more attention to e friendship w dem.. but i nv realise this.. i think now may be too late as he's decided.. juz gotta wait until tml when i call e higher up personnel n ask how's e situation like now.. is his request to be out of e course approve?

i'm grateful dat i've zara n jh w me.. this coming wkend n next wkend, i dun haf a platoon sgt.. san dong's gg for camp n got things on.. this sat i'm e DO somemore.. gosh..

today's mid wk lesson was great.. learnt alot.. convicted.. gotta think n plan how to put them into practice..

definitely i'm grateful for having this church, having sisters who bug n pester me.. they r trying to help me be under control.. juz like wat moses did in exodus 32:25.. i've been having wildless schedule, wildless priorities.. to e extend of putting god as a topic of my life rather than e center of my life..

greatly convicted by john's sharing on how his prayers r answered.. least when he expected it.. but he's been faithful prayerful.. he didnt doubt god but juz perservere n kept praying until it's answered.. i wan to learn to haf this kind of perserverance!

also learnt dat i need to take my appointment w god seriously.. rev 4:9-11..

definitely i look forward to 2007's plans.. john's gg to focus on relationship w god n relationship/attitude w e lost..

starting to think wat i wan to wrk on in 2007.. wat does it really means to have a relationship w god? wat does it really means to enjoy my walk w god?

appreciate n a very big thank you to all e listening ears i've today.. steph, jennifer, shu hui, as much as ur cant relate, e fact dat ur listened is gd enuf..
zara, san dong, bro.. ur can relate.. thanks for believing dat i can make a difference.. really felt very very encouraged!!

juz like spiritually,
make a difference in other's life..

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11/03/2006 05:38:00 AM
yo... another 2wks has past since i last update my blog.. =P

e past 2 wks didnt update blog, chat online nor check my mail.. i think wat surprised me e most is my email.. gosh.. i've 218 new mails within 2wks.. have yet to find out who's e culprit who bombed my email.. so far wat i see r 'proper' emails.. like nco course stuff, nov schedule, sj stuff mainly.. =/ dun understand how can all dat make up to 218 new mails.. haha..

e past 1 1/2 wk, been thinkin abit.. while i struggle to get focus n find motivation to start studying 3 my exams, i realise dat i've a very very serious problem.. and dat's DISCIPLINE! hope it's not too late to really realise it n see for myself how ILL-DISCIPLINE i'm.. wonder where my fighting spirit, perserverance in e past gone to..

there were alot of "if only....", "aiya, i shld haf...", "nvm..." in my mind.. satan indeed is fighting very hard to distract me frm getting focus to study.. come to e point where nth seems to b able to go into my brain.. this happened on wed nite when i'm studying for my psycho paper.. gosh.. sooooooooo many theories n concepts to rmb n understand.. so.. e "if only i studied earlier, more regularly..", "i shld haf done this earlier.." all these thoughts came to my mind.. oso was very convicted when jh said "haha expected one lor.. u'r everytime late.. as long as one's ur fren, they shld noe.."

when i spend time w ying jiun, she shared a paragraph in e bible.. i cant find e passage now.. it basically talked abt disciplined = strong tree n ill discipline = bush.. so it's juz a matter of whether i wan to be disciplined or ill-disciplined.. i end up gg hm thinking "i wan to b a tree.. dun wan to be a bush.. i wan to be a tree.. dun wan to be a bush.." haha..

wen to ying jiun's hse nearly everyday.. gd thing dat she stayed near me.. such a blessing.. she's so motherly too.. there was a day where she cooked lunch n bought dinner 4 me (while i stayed at her place n study), there was oso a day where i stayed over, nxt morning we had breakfast tog den she went off to wrk i went back to her place n study.. until dinner time w her exhausted face n body, she still went to buy n cook dinner for me.. so blessed.. so loved.. haha.. we even chat 4 awhile.. got to noe each other more.. she's juz like a big big sister.. teaching me god's words.. teaching me abt character sins, how to change, how to repent n basically juz to please god w our christian life.. wat it means to be a disciple.. im so blessed!!

well.. actually typed tis last wk but didnt manage to post it.. i think juz gotta find time 4 myself.. this isn't doing me any gd.. everyday busy frm day (even b4 e sun rises) till nite (after e moon "rise").. dun haf thinking time for myself.. '06 coming to an end.. think in 2 wks time, during my holidays.. i'll get a day for myself.. hmm.. mayb can make it a day where i go on a date w god too.. been saying it but haven go for it.. kept procrastinating..

so many sj stuff to do.. got bombed n tml's e meeting! i'm not gg! muz finish my part n let san dong pass e info n msg to dj.. gosh.. still got attachment tml.. rather later.. how to sleep???!! i wan to slp!!




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10/14/2006 03:29:00 AM
had a long yet encouraging day today.. =)

after sch went to meet jh n pq to get their safari, fauzi's pants n my skirt done at simei!!! initially tot dat i'll oni finish my proj abt 2pm.. who noes.. me n my grp mates finished it during our break time.. that was fast.. :p so i end up waiting for jh n pq for an hr.. nearly fell aslp while waiting.. there's nth in eastpoint.. a lousy shopping center u can say.. haha.. but it's under renovation so hopefully e next time i go dere, it'll be better.. (if i'll haf e chance to travel so far again..)

well.. after e safari measurement n mode of payment is settled, we headed done to hq to get their accessories.. gosh.. i ended up late for my appt w my sec sch fren whom i've not meet for 3 yrs!!!!

felt so bad to make my fren wait when i'm e one who asked her out.. :( well.. but she's juz so pure hearted.. thou we've not met for e past 3 yrs, our friendship hasn't changed.. we spent abt an hr tog.. chatted oni abit.. update wat each other n some other frenz r doin now..

it's such a joy!!! many memories of e gd old days came back into our memory.. days where we always skip breakfast n recess tog to do our wrk, practices etc.. helped each other out in diff subjs.. well.. we practically went thru 'o' level tog.. hha.. she helped me w science both chem n phy.. i helped her w my fav subj = POA.. haha..

well.. b4 i start to eat, i prayed first den she asked me "u dun nd to pray ar?" i said i finished prayin.. den she started e topic abt christianity.. haha.. so amazing.. over e past 1 yr, she got in contact w church twice but both were terrible experiences.. she asked abt who brought me to church etc.. i told her i've been gg to church since young juz dat during sec 3 & 4 when she knew me, i wasnt attending.. she was surprised.. she continue to share dat she's interested abt knowing wat exactly is christianity abt.. but she dare not go to church anymore.. well.. as long as u'r intersted n u want to noe abt god is gd enuf le.. it's e heart.. so happy for u.. in e past u weren't open but now u'r.. ;)

got steph, wei ting, jennifer to invite her to e bible talk at 8pm.. but she rejected.. it's ok.. after dat she msged me n she said dat she really is interested in knowing abt wat christianity is really all abt but she still has e phobia of gg to church etc.. aha.. it's ok.. we alr plan on mon i'm meeting her.. will share w her my life over e past 1 yr.. how it has changed, how i overcome my struggles.. eversince i got baptized.. will also be doing e seeking god study w her.. if she accepts it well, we plan for steph to do e character of god study w her on tue n leave e rest to ching eu..

like wat ching eu like to say " so pray hard hard den ur future will bright bright.." haha.. she's so auntie.. :p at e bible talk, e sis n bros haf it seperately.. e sis had a round of gd news sharing n wat we learn frm each other's gd news sharing.. after dat ching eu shared w us a no. of verses abt god.. to help us to show our frenz too.. so encouraging.. so motivating.. so heart warming.. realised smth abt myself too..

i shared abt my time w my fren.. i didnt understand why she say dat she feels dat i'm like a christian even thou i wasnt attending church during sec 3 & 4 , e 2 yrs dat she knew me.. a sister said dat it cld be becoz frm e way i treat frenz.. how i cherish friendship.. really can go all out for dem.. ;)

so grateful n thankful to god, we can all come together for e gd news sharing to enc each other to jia you, wrk harder for e champaign.. hold hands n pray together.. even celebrated chan nyap's 6th spiritual b'day.. he's such a serving brother.. nv complain.. juz try his best to serve god, his kingdom n all e other brothers n sisters.. he's oso like a big brother to me.. always greet ppl w a smile.. he'll always be dere for any event or activity too.. even thou he may struggle.. he's so supportive.. even if he's late.. e heart to help, serve ppl.. so encouraging..

dearest father, thank you so much for giving me e chance to noe u frm such a young age.. thou i oni rmb one verse, it stayed in my heart n i live by it everyday.. you were always w me n my family thru bad times or gd times.. even during e 2yrs when maryjean left us, i stopped gg to church.. you were still dere to teach me, guide me.. n leading me to knowing u, really setting e heart to study e bible last yr.. thank you for putting so many diff ppl at diff times of my life.. all for e same purpose = to help me noe u better, draw me closer to u..
god, juz wan to pray for a few things u:

• to bless all e brothers n sisters out there,not oni in CNN, but e whole congregation dat u'll bless dem ur wisdom n strength to help those lost sheeps of urs..
• e frenz like su xian, melinda (wei ting's fren), jasmine (gwen's fren = oso studying in nyp), celine (chew ling n ching eu's supervisor) n all e frenz e brothers n sisters r tryin hard to reach out, buildin friendship with,to haf an open heart.. to listen ur words.. dat ur words will soften their hearts, let dem find comfort in u.. let dem noe dat they've a father, a teacher, a fren, a saviour like you, who died on e cross for dem even b4 they'r born..
• wan to pray for mon too.. pray 4 wisdom to tell her wat u wan her to noe, e convictions u wan to leave her w for dat day.. everyth will go on smoothly.. you'll b dere to guide me when i do e study n no matter wat struggles she has, we'll all be able to help her.. i noe dat oni u noe e best time, haf e best plan for us (jeremiah 29:11) n oni u can make things happen.. all r in ur control.. leave everyth unto ur hands.. luv u.. amen =)

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10/05/2006 03:32:00 AM
today's bible bowl.. had a great time w ying jiun n wai cheng at mid wk.. been a long time since we worship together.. crapped alot.. 3 of us got stuck w dat indian accent.. haha.. thanks to dat b'day treat ying jiun gave me b4 she left for he Gunung Tahan backpack trip at lil india.. my 1st time eatin such traditional indian food.. n their chilli is *wow*.. i cant take it.. when in e first place i cant take chilli too.. haha..

went hm w ying jiun, spent 1 1/2 hr tog.. time juz fly past while we crap n talk abt how we've been..

i told her abt e ppl i've been trying to help, e challenges/prbs i faced.. seeked advice, how i can do better.. e time spent was fulfilling.. i acknowledged my feelings in a way... rather i faced my feelings i guess.. didnt understand why i always cant wake up on wed mornings, why i'll feel drained out even thou i'm outwardly focus..

i've been thinking ways n means to help everyone who's dear to me, giving my ears, emotional support n friendship to e frenz out dere n giving financially n emotional support to my mum n sis.. but i didnt go n think n look for ways n means to help myself too.. dat's not being productive.. thou i kept telling n reminding myself dat being outwardly focus, juz gif my best, god will gif me his blessings.. juz wait..

was really encouraged thou.. had a pat on e back, she said two words "awesome, perservere"..

not oni do i get mid nite discipling time frm ching eu n chew ling, i gif mid nite "counselling", rather encouragements too.. but it ws a gd time..

at first i tot wat i said wasnt understood, n i'm made to b long-winded, repeating myself again n again.. haha.. thank god, blessed w e wisdom.. wat i said was understood.. hee..

didnt realise n expect dat i'll say wat i said.. tonite's conversation sounded diff frm other nites'.. dunno exactly where's e diff thou.. but ya.. juz diff.. may be it's more intense? solemn? serious? i dunno..

oso.. for a moment, i'm starting to doubt all these stuff abt psychology.. if one person really dun haf own concrete opinions, den wat's e LTA rank based on? haha.. aniw, ultimately, i encouraged n helped someone to stand up n fight again.. nv to gif up..

when i say those, indirectly i got hit too.. nv to gif up.. perservere.. wait n e blessings will be given unto u.. JIA YOU!!! ;)

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9/29/2006 12:39:00 AM
yeah!!! went shopping today.. finally..

hee.. juz wanted to go n haf a walk.. didnt get to go out of s'pore for hol e other time during my 1wk hols.. so ya..

in a way, i tink, killed two birds w one stone.. spent time w pei ruan n liang zhen came along.. first step to really building friendship w her.. always e oni time we get to talk is during wrk n after wrk.. first step to helping her..

shopped e whole day.. went to far east n guess wat? saw gwen.. haha.. god's wrking definitely.. he's proud of us i guess.. both of us were out today to spend time w e one whom we want to reach out to.. initially we wanted to spend time, but e movie she wanted to watch "john tucker muz die"; i watched alr.. hee.. god's plan.. end up she watched it w e gal she wanted to reach out to.

after dat, we headed to bugis.. went to look at perfume, went to bugis street to look at pei ruan's adidas jacket.. (we tot of getting one for her b'day).. den we went to icon to look for e car set for jun xian's "fat fat" haha.. managed to get everyone to chip in.. now e shop is having offer.. oni $99 instead of e usual $169.. big diff..

dat shop is amazing.. they'r products r all original frm korea.. a korea company bought e copy right of all e disney n cartoon characters to be printed onto e car seats.. so each design oni haf abt 150 sets, distributed among so many ctries.. therefore in s'pore, there's oni 4-5 sets (at most) of each design.. cool ya..

e other time when i saw dat shop, i decided to get it for "fat fat".. haha.. in appreciation to jun xian for always driving us ard, sending us hm after wrk.. no matter how tired he is.. even during our many night outings.. in e wee hrs when everyone's tired, he still keep himself awake, drive each one of us hm safely.. thanks..

after dat had late dinner w pei ruan, liang zhen n yuan qi.. smth happened but we didnt haf to do much counselling.. it's a learning process.. he's strong n he's e one who initiated it.. so ya.. no prob for him to get over it.. juz needed listening ears..

haha.. we talked abt fyp, our sec times.. i joked abt him.. "say bye" after knowing each other better.. me n liang zhen oso advised him to not be impulse in such things.. know e gal properly as in haf a certain level of understanding b/w both parties b4 getting into a relationship.. den he say "later after knowing each other, e gal will say it's better to be frenz.. dun nd to b in a bgr.. juz like u n our fren.."

at first i didnt get wat he was saying.. den after some hints den i get it.. haha.. we talked abt e past.. 'educated' pei ruan on their past.. this bunch of guys.. always haf triangle-relationship one.. like one another's gf or both fall for e same gal.. haha.. so funny...

well.. went hm w liang zhen after sending pei ruan hm.. chat abit.. told him dat i wan to help pei ruan.. which he oso agrees to n encourage me to do so too.. but e oni way to bri pei ruan to church is when liang zhen go.. both of dem had x'tian background in a way or another.. so ya.. i oso say dat aside frm helping pei ruan, i wan to help him, jun xian.. everybody.. haha.. he said dat's gd.. aiya.. shld haf tell him, so u muz allow me to help u if not one hand cant clap = nth can b accomplished.. hee.. nvm.. can tell him on mon..

on mon we'r gg running.. me, lz, pr.. hee.. god, pls bless us w gd weather on dat day.. we'r gg to register for our basic theory for driving too.. we'r gg to take e test tog.. =)

while waiting for yuan qi, somehow we talked abt e bible.. n yea.. my deep teaching came into gd use.. had e knowledge n conviction to share abt e bible.. abt e 3 types of translation e bible has, why KJV is not encouraged to be used..

oh.. i rmb.. coz we were saying wat eng name liang zhen shld haf.. coz his mum intend to change his name coz his mum went to e fortune teller n e fortune teller say dat liang zhen will die an early death, earlier than his younger bro liang wei.. haha.. e fortune teller so "powerful".. dere's no basis to believe wat he say at all.. :p

anyway.. we were choosing den pei ruan suddenly say names in e bible like joshua, david etc.. den i suggested to liang zhen to name himself elijah.. den he asked wat did elijah do etc? i shared w him wat steph shared w me in e past.. elijah lead elisha by eg.. elijah did wat was told w/o questioning.. he believed n had faith in jesus.. so when elijah die, elisha did wat elijah did..

thank god for blessing me in a church where they speak nth but e bible, e truth.. thank god for blessing us, using john powerfully to preach abt e deep teaching.. thank god.. u'r noe best, u've e best time for everyth.. =)

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9/27/2006 10:44:00 AM
i dun like tis me.. why always like dat..

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9/27/2006 02:14:00 AM
i think i'm stretched... ytd morning as i look at e mirror.. gosh.. my dark rings has grown darker.. oh.. finally i see e diff.. when all my frenz r saying it's getting darker but i didnt realise..

like wat ching eu say.. i muz start to think abt wat i wan to do for next yr.. if not it'll juz b another yr for me.. i dun wan to waste another yr.. wan to get myself back during my long awaited hols in nov n dec.. thou oni 2wks each.. i shld b grateful dat i've a hol after 6mths.. but it feels like 9mths.. due to e kind of planning dat nyp gif me for my apr, may n jun.. :/

dere's still so many things to do.. for my spiritual life, study life, sooon to come = wrking life.. =P

looking at my frenz one after another leaving to go overseas for further studies makes me wonder.. if my plan to go overseas for further studies w felicia will come true? if we cant go tog as planned.. am i gg to survive alone dere? a blur person like me, staying w/o my mum, close frenz, church for a few yrs.. haha.. i think i'll b super insecure.. hopefully dere's a church dere.. shld go n find out.. do some research abt it.. ;)

kind of felt alot when i heard another fren's gg off.. when two of my frenz r coming back.. haha..

really made me wonder.. i plan my life for e next 10 yrs.. is it too long? am i planning too far? well.. aniw.. leave it to god.. shall pray abt it all e way until den.. i think it's time to rewrite my prayer list.. got alot of new things to be praying for.. n oso my dinner fast.. muz start soon.. mayb starting coming mon.. when it's less hectic.. tis few days need e energy.. if not.. scared later faint again.. like e past few times during attachment.. haha i tink during attachment i'm too tired.. dat's why i'll faint.. gosh.. when i start wrking full time how?

thank god for a fren like felicia.. gosh.. wat to do w/o her.. if god didnt send her into my life last yr.. i may haf left e church, left him.. today she told me to be a warrior of prayer.. praying n relying on god.. i'm too prideful.. always will tend to use own's strength..

really hope dat i'll b able to go overseas w her.. living tog.. studying tog.. psychology!!! fulfil our dreams tog..

my 10 yr plan:

• 20-23yrs old = pay back bond; wrking full time
• 23-24yrs old = either help out at hopeww overseas or some volunteery wrk dat i can find; wan to go to my dream cty.. africa!! haha.. weird dream cty..
  (while waitin for felicia to finish paying back her bond too; 1yr behind me :p)
• 24-27yrs old = overseas study w felicia.. one step closer to our dream
• 27-30yrs old = start wrking.. counsellor at hopeww(wan to help those youth-at-risks)/social worker (many places to do so)/ psychologist..

hmm.. wat do i do after 30yrs old? i shall think abt it again.. =)

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