9/07/2006 02:54:00 PM
after e continuous b'day celebration, i started thinking.. why tis yr's so different? i've nv had a b'day dat's like tis.. like wat steph n fang jin say? - ppl's person? really went all out to serve dem built friendships dat's real = real to one another.. really giving my heart out.. that's y dey r doing so to app, to show dat they cherish e friendship? gosh.. v thick skin.. haha.. but even frenz frm sec sch whom i seldom keep contact w, dey oso msg me.. frenz who r overseas studying, even send a b'day card to me.. when i dun rmb her b'day.. so bad of me.. wat a fren..
ytd was a reflection day 4 me..
spent time w ching eu (someone who really noes wat i'm thinking even when i'm not).. had dinner w her, chat 4 awhile b4 gg 4 mid wk..
during e chat, she asked me "so how r u? how 've u been feeling?"
i was speechless.. didnt noe wat to share.. den she say "has it been a long time since ppl ask u tis? no wonder u cant share.."
yea.. in fact, i've been so outwardly focus for e lost, i neglected myself.. i didnt noe how i was feeling.. i juz noe dat i'm tired.. i need a break.. enuf of sch.. proj.. fyp.. family.. she showed me verses dat she wrote in her diary (hey.. she oso got diary..), pics she drew to express herself..
one thing dat i'm convicted is e pic she drew.. watever things in her life, she put god in e center link.. meaning she--god--wrk
she--god--study
she--god--ministry
i feel dat dat's wat's missing.. i didnt put god as e center link.. i was juz remembering his existance but not really building my relationship w him.. i've not been serious w my quiet time.. not putting it first in my everyday agenda when it shld w no EXCUSE..
my everyday is packed w so many other things but not time w god..
everyday is packed w study(sch), wrk, proj, spending time w x'tians, spending time w frenz, church activites if dat day has..
my relationship w god isnt growing.. how can my wish to haf a fruit within e next yr esp in e coming champaign mth b fulfilled? it'll not come true even thou i put it first in my bday wish.. :-(
ytd's mid wk was a double booster.. first was on discipleship.. how 've i been a disciple.. how effective, wat it means to b a disciple.. wat it takes to be a disciple.. next was alvin's lesson 4 e champaign mth.. he showed verses, each bibletalk presented their invitation cards..
questions he encouraged us to think abt:
- wat is e character u wan to see urself change
- wat is ur goal in e champaign mth
- wat do u wan to achieve
at first i tot, hmm.. goal to 've ongoing studies.. when i think of wat i wan to see myself change, i couldnt think of any.. which is impossible.. how can i not haf.. after putting pride aside, being honest to myself n god.. i realise i've got many things to see myself change in..
wan to see myself change in:
- learning to love e lost; love dem wholeheartedly frm e bottom of my heart.. even if dey were to reject me.. ultimately dey'r rejecting god..
- learning to be more discipline; be consistent in my quiet time.. deepen my convictions.. not lazy; when dere's qns frm frenz or myself, take e extra effort to find out n not juz ask ard.. not putting enuf effort.. setting my priorities right..
juz had my psycho lecture juz now.. topic was on aggression.. realised dat hey, i'm not as perfect as i tink.. not as gd as i think.. too self-righteous.. thou a 100% for sure thing is i'll not b violent.. but whenever i'm angry,
i do:
- supress my feeling
- try to calm myself down outwardly but inwardly it's 'burning'
- i even haf passive aggression; i get back at ppl indirectly.. = tryin to irritate ppl
*gosh..*
- i've delay gratification too.. cant wait.. want smth esp urgent.. means wan it now..
- silent treatment = watever ppl ask me i'll say "dunno, dun want" n nth else..
eg: "r u angry? - dunno"
"wan to talk? - dun want" etc..
i'm v hostile too.. esp to family members.. my mum, sis.. to dem, many a times i'll say "come n eat"
after many times of calling, still dun come..
"dun wan to eat dun eat lo.. ask so many times alr.. u choose not to eat.. den now u say u'r hungry"
= dunno how to show dat i love dem
i meant well, but i keep having e mindset dat we'r so close w one another, u shld noe how to take care of urself.. so "big" alr.. dere's many other things i need to focus on too..
come to think of it.. wat r e other things i need to focus on? proj.. gosh.. how can dat b my top priority..
thereotically i noe top priority shld be god followed by family
but in action, i'm not showing it..
no wonder.. thks to steph 4 her reminder e other time.. "haf u been a gd elijah for elisha to follow?"
i've not been one.. dat's y my sis is not inspired to come to church.. in fact she see me gg to church as a burden.. wei ting doesn't haf a gd disciple, gd eg to follow.. gosh.. gotta repent.. b4 wei ting gets e feeling of "kena conned" n leaves church too..
*sigh*
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