tHe LoSt oNe

i cant believe it

2007-01-06T02:57:00.000+09:00

dearest heavenly father,

wan to thank you for being our god.. a god who's always so faithful, a god who has e best plans for us, a god who has so much wisdom, a god who has so much love, so much grace, a god who is so righteous, a god who's so sacrificial, a god who knows our heart even when we do not know. god, wat can we do w/o u in our life? w/o ur guidance, ur correction, ur rebuke, ur teachings.. i wont b who i am today..
god u'r so awesome, i know u've e best plans for us. i know u've planned our lives right when we'r born ultimately to noe u n to meet u. god i'm so grateful to haf u in my life.
god, juz wan to take this time to pray for all those out dere who is sick, those who r hurting now.. god i wan to pray dat u'll put ur healing hands over dem, u'll be w dem in ur most special way to comfort dem n to bring dem closer to u. i wan to pray dat dey'll be able understand and accept dat it is ur plan for things to happen this way. god i oso wan to pray dat e hearts of each n everyone out dem whether they'r sick or they'r hurting, dat they'll be able to find comfort n peace in u.. dat they'll not b win over by satan.. it's hard work but i noe dat dat's wat it takes.. praying to u, crying out to u, doing qt, being discipline are all hard wrk.. it takes effort to do so..
god, juz wan to pray for e family dat u'll b w dem in a special way thru tough times like this for i noe dat u will not put us thru trials, struggles beyond wat we can bear. god i juz wan to pray for everyone's heart to be able to b focus on u, at peace, find comfort in u and draw closer to u thru tough times like this. god, i believe dat everyone will be able to pull thru w ur help, w ur strength. juz wan to leave everyth onto ur hands. in jesus name i pray, amen.

~dUn aSSuMe~

2006-11-23T03:07:00.000+09:00

*sigh*

been so so so sooooooooo bothered e whole afternoon n nite.. was so shocked to hear such a news.. i had mixed feelings..

on one hand felt dat i'm a lousy leader, didnt care abt how e ppl i'm leading feel.. in terms of in e kingdom, how much did i care abt how she feel n in st.john, how much did i care how he feel..

on e other hand i felt i'm being accused n wasnt even given a chance to explain myself..

he simply lied n left.. nv intend to let me noe, nv intend to clear e matter.. is dat wat n how a leader shld behave n handle things?

i dun think so..

why do u wan to make things so complicated? cant there be openness among one another? why cant things be said directly? why muz do this type of childish actions n end up making urself look so pitiful.. i hate this! i hate lie!

juz like those typical childhood times where e one who cries first wins..

come on'.. this is a uniform grp, we'r instructors organising a course for e cadets, not e childhood kind of quarrel over a toy or ice-cream or sweet..

can things be brought across directly? in a mature way?

but then again, ytd's lesson frm steph.. i cant assume others will be as open as me, be open to me when i'm open to them.. both he n she r insecure ppl who needs alot of assurrance.. gottaa pay more attention to e friendship w dem.. but i nv realise this.. i think now may be too late as he's decided.. juz gotta wait until tml when i call e higher up personnel n ask how's e situation like now.. is his request to be out of e course approve?

i'm grateful dat i've zara n jh w me.. this coming wkend n next wkend, i dun haf a platoon sgt.. san dong's gg for camp n got things on.. this sat i'm e DO somemore.. gosh..

today's mid wk lesson was great.. learnt alot.. convicted.. gotta think n plan how to put them into practice..

definitely i'm grateful for having this church, having sisters who bug n pester me.. they r trying to help me be under control.. juz like wat moses did in exodus 32:25.. i've been having wildless schedule, wildless priorities.. to e extend of putting god as a topic of my life rather than e center of my life..

greatly convicted by john's sharing on how his prayers r answered.. least when he expected it.. but he's been faithful prayerful.. he didnt doubt god but juz perservere n kept praying until it's answered.. i wan to learn to haf this kind of perserverance!

also learnt dat i need to take my appointment w god seriously.. rev 4:9-11..

definitely i look forward to 2007's plans.. john's gg to focus on relationship w god n relationship/attitude w e lost..

starting to think wat i wan to wrk on in 2007.. wat does it really means to have a relationship w god? wat does it really means to enjoy my walk w god?

appreciate n a very big thank you to all e listening ears i've today.. steph, jennifer, shu hui, as much as ur cant relate, e fact dat ur listened is gd enuf..
zara, san dong, bro.. ur can relate.. thanks for believing dat i can make a difference.. really felt very very encouraged!!

juz like spiritually,
make a difference in other's life..

d|sC|pL|nE

2006-11-03T05:38:00.000+09:00

yo... another 2wks has past since i last update my blog.. =P

e past 2 wks didnt update blog, chat online nor check my mail.. i think wat surprised me e most is my email.. gosh.. i've 218 new mails within 2wks.. have yet to find out who's e culprit who bombed my email.. so far wat i see r 'proper' emails.. like nco course stuff, nov schedule, sj stuff mainly.. =/ dun understand how can all dat make up to 218 new mails.. haha..

e past 1 1/2 wk, been thinkin abit.. while i struggle to get focus n find motivation to start studying 3 my exams, i realise dat i've a very very serious problem.. and dat's DISCIPLINE! hope it's not too late to really realise it n see for myself how ILL-DISCIPLINE i'm.. wonder where my fighting spirit, perserverance in e past gone to..

there were alot of "if only....", "aiya, i shld haf...", "nvm..." in my mind.. satan indeed is fighting very hard to distract me frm getting focus to study.. come to e point where nth seems to b able to go into my brain.. this happened on wed nite when i'm studying for my psycho paper.. gosh.. sooooooooo many theories n concepts to rmb n understand.. so.. e "if only i studied earlier, more regularly..", "i shld haf done this earlier.." all these thoughts came to my mind.. oso was very convicted when jh said "haha expected one lor.. u'r everytime late.. as long as one's ur fren, they shld noe.."

when i spend time w ying jiun, she shared a paragraph in e bible.. i cant find e passage now.. it basically talked abt disciplined = strong tree n ill discipline = bush.. so it's juz a matter of whether i wan to be disciplined or ill-disciplined.. i end up gg hm thinking "i wan to b a tree.. dun wan to be a bush.. i wan to be a tree.. dun wan to be a bush.." haha..

wen to ying jiun's hse nearly everyday.. gd thing dat she stayed near me.. such a blessing.. she's so motherly too.. there was a day where she cooked lunch n bought dinner 4 me (while i stayed at her place n study), there was oso a day where i stayed over, nxt morning we had breakfast tog den she went off to wrk i went back to her place n study.. until dinner time w her exhausted face n body, she still went to buy n cook dinner for me.. so blessed.. so loved.. haha.. we even chat 4 awhile.. got to noe each other more.. she's juz like a big big sister.. teaching me god's words.. teaching me abt character sins, how to change, how to repent n basically juz to please god w our christian life.. wat it means to be a disciple.. im so blessed!!

well.. actually typed tis last wk but didnt manage to post it.. i think juz gotta find time 4 myself.. this isn't doing me any gd.. everyday busy frm day (even b4 e sun rises) till nite (after e moon "rise").. dun haf thinking time for myself.. '06 coming to an end.. think in 2 wks time, during my holidays.. i'll get a day for myself.. hmm.. mayb can make it a day where i go on a date w god too.. been saying it but haven go for it.. kept procrastinating..

so many sj stuff to do.. got bombed n tml's e meeting! i'm not gg! muz finish my part n let san dong pass e info n msg to dj.. gosh.. still got attachment tml.. rather later.. how to sleep???!! i wan to slp!!

gOd's t|mE 4 eVeRyOne

2006-10-14T03:29:00.000+09:00

had a long yet encouraging day today.. =)

after sch went to meet jh n pq to get their safari, fauzi's pants n my skirt done at simei!!! initially tot dat i'll oni finish my proj abt 2pm.. who noes.. me n my grp mates finished it during our break time.. that was fast.. :p so i end up waiting for jh n pq for an hr.. nearly fell aslp while waiting.. there's nth in eastpoint.. a lousy shopping center u can say.. haha.. but it's under renovation so hopefully e next time i go dere, it'll be better.. (if i'll haf e chance to travel so far again..)

well.. after e safari measurement n mode of payment is settled, we headed done to hq to get their accessories.. gosh.. i ended up late for my appt w my sec sch fren whom i've not meet for 3 yrs!!!!

felt so bad to make my fren wait when i'm e one who asked her out.. :( well.. but she's juz so pure hearted.. thou we've not met for e past 3 yrs, our friendship hasn't changed.. we spent abt an hr tog.. chatted oni abit.. update wat each other n some other frenz r doin now..

it's such a joy!!! many memories of e gd old days came back into our memory.. days where we always skip breakfast n recess tog to do our wrk, practices etc.. helped each other out in diff subjs.. well.. we practically went thru 'o' level tog.. hha.. she helped me w science both chem n phy.. i helped her w my fav subj = POA.. haha..

well.. b4 i start to eat, i prayed first den she asked me "u dun nd to pray ar?" i said i finished prayin.. den she started e topic abt christianity.. haha.. so amazing.. over e past 1 yr, she got in contact w church twice but both were terrible experiences.. she asked abt who brought me to church etc.. i told her i've been gg to church since young juz dat during sec 3 & 4 when she knew me, i wasnt attending.. she was surprised.. she continue to share dat she's interested abt knowing wat exactly is christianity abt.. but she dare not go to church anymore.. well.. as long as u'r intersted n u want to noe abt god is gd enuf le.. it's e heart.. so happy for u.. in e past u weren't open but now u'r.. ;)

got steph, wei ting, jennifer to invite her to e bible talk at 8pm.. but she rejected.. it's ok.. after dat she msged me n she said dat she really is interested in knowing abt wat christianity is really all abt but she still has e phobia of gg to church etc.. aha.. it's ok.. we alr plan on mon i'm meeting her.. will share w her my life over e past 1 yr.. how it has changed, how i overcome my struggles.. eversince i got baptized.. will also be doing e seeking god study w her.. if she accepts it well, we plan for steph to do e character of god study w her on tue n leave e rest to ching eu..

like wat ching eu like to say " so pray hard hard den ur future will bright bright.." haha.. she's so auntie.. :p at e bible talk, e sis n bros haf it seperately.. e sis had a round of gd news sharing n wat we learn frm each other's gd news sharing.. after dat ching eu shared w us a no. of verses abt god.. to help us to show our frenz too.. so encouraging.. so motivating.. so heart warming.. realised smth abt myself too..

i shared abt my time w my fren.. i didnt understand why she say dat she feels dat i'm like a christian even thou i wasnt attending church during sec 3 & 4 , e 2 yrs dat she knew me.. a sister said dat it cld be becoz frm e way i treat frenz.. how i cherish friendship.. really can go all out for dem.. ;)

so grateful n thankful to god, we can all come together for e gd news sharing to enc each other to jia you, wrk harder for e champaign.. hold hands n pray together.. even celebrated chan nyap's 6th spiritual b'day.. he's such a serving brother.. nv complain.. juz try his best to serve god, his kingdom n all e other brothers n sisters.. he's oso like a big brother to me.. always greet ppl w a smile.. he'll always be dere for any event or activity too.. even thou he may struggle.. he's so supportive.. even if he's late.. e heart to help, serve ppl.. so encouraging..

dearest father, thank you so much for giving me e chance to noe u frm such a young age.. thou i oni rmb one verse, it stayed in my heart n i live by it everyday.. you were always w me n my family thru bad times or gd times.. even during e 2yrs when maryjean left us, i stopped gg to church.. you were still dere to teach me, guide me.. n leading me to knowing u, really setting e heart to study e bible last yr.. thank you for putting so many diff ppl at diff times of my life.. all for e same purpose = to help me noe u better, draw me closer to u..
god, juz wan to pray for a few things u:

to bless all e brothers n sisters out there,not oni in CNN, but e whole congregation dat u'll bless dem ur wisdom n strength to help those lost sheeps of urs..
e frenz like su xian, melinda (wei ting's fren), jasmine (gwen's fren = oso studying in nyp), celine (chew ling n ching eu's supervisor) n all e frenz e brothers n sisters r tryin hard to reach out, buildin friendship with,to haf an open heart.. to listen ur words.. dat ur words will soften their hearts, let dem find comfort in u.. let dem noe dat they've a father, a teacher, a fren, a saviour like you, who died on e cross for dem even b4 they'r born..
wan to pray for mon too.. pray 4 wisdom to tell her wat u wan her to noe, e convictions u wan to leave her w for dat day.. everyth will go on smoothly.. you'll b dere to guide me when i do e study n no matter wat struggles she has, we'll all be able to help her.. i noe dat oni u noe e best time, haf e best plan for us (jeremiah 29:11) n oni u can make things happen.. all r in ur control.. leave everyth unto ur hands.. luv u.. amen =)

FrU|TfuL dAy

2006-10-05T03:32:00.000+09:00

today's bible bowl.. had a great time w ying jiun n wai cheng at mid wk.. been a long time since we worship together.. crapped alot.. 3 of us got stuck w dat indian accent.. haha.. thanks to dat b'day treat ying jiun gave me b4 she left for he Gunung Tahan backpack trip at lil india.. my 1st time eatin such traditional indian food.. n their chilli is *wow*.. i cant take it.. when in e first place i cant take chilli too.. haha..

went hm w ying jiun, spent 1 1/2 hr tog.. time juz fly past while we crap n talk abt how we've been..

i told her abt e ppl i've been trying to help, e challenges/prbs i faced.. seeked advice, how i can do better.. e time spent was fulfilling.. i acknowledged my feelings in a way... rather i faced my feelings i guess.. didnt understand why i always cant wake up on wed mornings, why i'll feel drained out even thou i'm outwardly focus..

i've been thinking ways n means to help everyone who's dear to me, giving my ears, emotional support n friendship to e frenz out dere n giving financially n emotional support to my mum n sis.. but i didnt go n think n look for ways n means to help myself too.. dat's not being productive.. thou i kept telling n reminding myself dat being outwardly focus, juz gif my best, god will gif me his blessings.. juz wait..

was really encouraged thou.. had a pat on e back, she said two words "awesome, perservere"..

not oni do i get mid nite discipling time frm ching eu n chew ling, i gif mid nite "counselling", rather encouragements too.. but it ws a gd time..

at first i tot wat i said wasnt understood, n i'm made to b long-winded, repeating myself again n again.. haha.. thank god, blessed w e wisdom.. wat i said was understood.. hee..

didnt realise n expect dat i'll say wat i said.. tonite's conversation sounded diff frm other nites'.. dunno exactly where's e diff thou.. but ya.. juz diff.. may be it's more intense? solemn? serious? i dunno..

oso.. for a moment, i'm starting to doubt all these stuff abt psychology.. if one person really dun haf own concrete opinions, den wat's e LTA rank based on? haha.. aniw, ultimately, i encouraged n helped someone to stand up n fight again.. nv to gif up..

when i say those, indirectly i got hit too.. nv to gif up.. perservere.. wait n e blessings will be given unto u.. JIA YOU!!! ;)

wEnT sHoPP|nG tOdAy!!!

2006-09-29T00:39:00.000+09:00

yeah!!! went shopping today.. finally..

hee.. juz wanted to go n haf a walk.. didnt get to go out of s'pore for hol e other time during my 1wk hols.. so ya..

in a way, i tink, killed two birds w one stone.. spent time w pei ruan n liang zhen came along.. first step to really building friendship w her.. always e oni time we get to talk is during wrk n after wrk.. first step to helping her..

shopped e whole day.. went to far east n guess wat? saw gwen.. haha.. god's wrking definitely.. he's proud of us i guess.. both of us were out today to spend time w e one whom we want to reach out to.. initially we wanted to spend time, but e movie she wanted to watch "john tucker muz die"; i watched alr.. hee.. god's plan.. end up she watched it w e gal she wanted to reach out to.

after dat, we headed to bugis.. went to look at perfume, went to bugis street to look at pei ruan's adidas jacket.. (we tot of getting one for her b'day).. den we went to icon to look for e car set for jun xian's "fat fat" haha.. managed to get everyone to chip in.. now e shop is having offer.. oni $99 instead of e usual $169.. big diff..

dat shop is amazing.. they'r products r all original frm korea.. a korea company bought e copy right of all e disney n cartoon characters to be printed onto e car seats.. so each design oni haf abt 150 sets, distributed among so many ctries.. therefore in s'pore, there's oni 4-5 sets (at most) of each design.. cool ya..

e other time when i saw dat shop, i decided to get it for "fat fat".. haha.. in appreciation to jun xian for always driving us ard, sending us hm after wrk.. no matter how tired he is.. even during our many night outings.. in e wee hrs when everyone's tired, he still keep himself awake, drive each one of us hm safely.. thanks..

after dat had late dinner w pei ruan, liang zhen n yuan qi.. smth happened but we didnt haf to do much counselling.. it's a learning process.. he's strong n he's e one who initiated it.. so ya.. no prob for him to get over it.. juz needed listening ears..

haha.. we talked abt fyp, our sec times.. i joked abt him.. "say bye" after knowing each other better.. me n liang zhen oso advised him to not be impulse in such things.. know e gal properly as in haf a certain level of understanding b/w both parties b4 getting into a relationship.. den he say "later after knowing each other, e gal will say it's better to be frenz.. dun nd to b in a bgr.. juz like u n our fren.."

at first i didnt get wat he was saying.. den after some hints den i get it.. haha.. we talked abt e past.. 'educated' pei ruan on their past.. this bunch of guys.. always haf triangle-relationship one.. like one another's gf or both fall for e same gal.. haha.. so funny...

well.. went hm w liang zhen after sending pei ruan hm.. chat abit.. told him dat i wan to help pei ruan.. which he oso agrees to n encourage me to do so too.. but e oni way to bri pei ruan to church is when liang zhen go.. both of dem had x'tian background in a way or another.. so ya.. i oso say dat aside frm helping pei ruan, i wan to help him, jun xian.. everybody.. haha.. he said dat's gd.. aiya.. shld haf tell him, so u muz allow me to help u if not one hand cant clap = nth can b accomplished.. hee.. nvm.. can tell him on mon..

on mon we'r gg running.. me, lz, pr.. hee.. god, pls bless us w gd weather on dat day.. we'r gg to register for our basic theory for driving too.. we'r gg to take e test tog.. =)

while waiting for yuan qi, somehow we talked abt e bible.. n yea.. my deep teaching came into gd use.. had e knowledge n conviction to share abt e bible.. abt e 3 types of translation e bible has, why KJV is not encouraged to be used..

oh.. i rmb.. coz we were saying wat eng name liang zhen shld haf.. coz his mum intend to change his name coz his mum went to e fortune teller n e fortune teller say dat liang zhen will die an early death, earlier than his younger bro liang wei.. haha.. e fortune teller so "powerful".. dere's no basis to believe wat he say at all.. :p

anyway.. we were choosing den pei ruan suddenly say names in e bible like joshua, david etc.. den i suggested to liang zhen to name himself elijah.. den he asked wat did elijah do etc? i shared w him wat steph shared w me in e past.. elijah lead elisha by eg.. elijah did wat was told w/o questioning.. he believed n had faith in jesus.. so when elijah die, elisha did wat elijah did..

thank god for blessing me in a church where they speak nth but e bible, e truth.. thank god for blessing us, using john powerfully to preach abt e deep teaching.. thank god.. u'r noe best, u've e best time for everyth.. =)

2006-09-27T10:44:00.000+09:00

i dun like tis me.. why always like dat..

2006-09-27T02:14:00.000+09:00

i think i'm stretched... ytd morning as i look at e mirror.. gosh.. my dark rings has grown darker.. oh.. finally i see e diff.. when all my frenz r saying it's getting darker but i didnt realise..

like wat ching eu say.. i muz start to think abt wat i wan to do for next yr.. if not it'll juz b another yr for me.. i dun wan to waste another yr.. wan to get myself back during my long awaited hols in nov n dec.. thou oni 2wks each.. i shld b grateful dat i've a hol after 6mths.. but it feels like 9mths.. due to e kind of planning dat nyp gif me for my apr, may n jun.. :/

dere's still so many things to do.. for my spiritual life, study life, sooon to come = wrking life.. =P

looking at my frenz one after another leaving to go overseas for further studies makes me wonder.. if my plan to go overseas for further studies w felicia will come true? if we cant go tog as planned.. am i gg to survive alone dere? a blur person like me, staying w/o my mum, close frenz, church for a few yrs.. haha.. i think i'll b super insecure.. hopefully dere's a church dere.. shld go n find out.. do some research abt it.. ;)

kind of felt alot when i heard another fren's gg off.. when two of my frenz r coming back.. haha..

really made me wonder.. i plan my life for e next 10 yrs.. is it too long? am i planning too far? well.. aniw.. leave it to god.. shall pray abt it all e way until den.. i think it's time to rewrite my prayer list.. got alot of new things to be praying for.. n oso my dinner fast.. muz start soon.. mayb starting coming mon.. when it's less hectic.. tis few days need e energy.. if not.. scared later faint again.. like e past few times during attachment.. haha i tink during attachment i'm too tired.. dat's why i'll faint.. gosh.. when i start wrking full time how?

thank god for a fren like felicia.. gosh.. wat to do w/o her.. if god didnt send her into my life last yr.. i may haf left e church, left him.. today she told me to be a warrior of prayer.. praying n relying on god.. i'm too prideful.. always will tend to use own's strength..

really hope dat i'll b able to go overseas w her.. living tog.. studying tog.. psychology!!! fulfil our dreams tog..

my 10 yr plan:

20-23yrs old = pay back bond; wrking full time
23-24yrs old = either help out at hopeww overseas or some volunteery wrk dat i can find; wan to go to my dream cty.. africa!! haha.. weird dream cty..
(while waitin for felicia to finish paying back her bond too; 1yr behind me :p)
24-27yrs old = overseas study w felicia.. one step closer to our dream
27-30yrs old = start wrking.. counsellor at hopeww(wan to help those youth-at-risks)/social worker (many places to do so)/ psychologist..

hmm.. wat do i do after 30yrs old? i shall think abt it again.. =)

dun understand.. dun care.. dun wanna think abt it..

2006-09-22T13:40:00.000+09:00

i juz dun understand.. why muz things b so complicated.. even in e kingdom? everyone has his point, not totally wrong.. nor totally rite.. why does it sound like oni i'm in e wrong? wat abt him being so discouraging? no one addresses it.. no one tell him off to repent.. feel so unfair..

god.. i juz wan to follow ur standard.. i juz wan to follow u.. not wat others tell me.. wat makes them think dat wat they say is true? how do dey noe? how do i noe?

i juz wan to shine for u.. dun care if others repent.. but god, for u, i'll repent.. i'm not gg to talk to him abt it anymore.. let him be.. it's his sin, many has told him off abt it.. since he still doesn't wan to repent.. it's b/w him n u i think.. i shall not interfere.. i dun tink i'm e rite person to talk to him abt such things too..

i dun care wat others think of me.. if u dun understand why i'm reacting how i'm reacting.. den nvm.. i juz haf to repent in e area dat i was wrong n be accountable to god..

i'll juz leave it as it is.. juz take my mind off it maybe for juz awhile.. dun wan to think abt it..

??wHAt'S wRoNg W mE??

2006-09-18T01:22:00.000+09:00

again.. i cried b4 i slp.. why am i so emotional?

god sure noes wat we need n gif it to us at e best time.

had an unexpected chat juz few mins ago.. was trying out some changes to e blog when jacinda suddenly chat w me.. my impression of her is a 17yr old cheerful gal.. heard that we'r similar in character.. think alot, feel alot.. but express lil oni.. always juz keep things to ourselves in e heart..

it's so comforting n encouraging..

all dat she said was:
"but hang in there. he will give you strength."
"2corinthians 12:10b"
"For when I am weak, then I am strong"
"no problem, i will be praying for you."
"yes, i can. and you can too!"
"we will fight this battle for god. and win! dont let satan put us down."
*of coz there were conversations in b/w too*

gosh.. when i read dat my tears juz rolled down..

i realised.. all i needed after a whole day of traumas is juz someone who says "i'll b w u" "fight on tog".. dat's all i need..

someone who really feel how i feel.. someone who assures me dat she's w me fighting tog n keeping one another in prayer.. dat's all i need..

thank god for sending her to comfort me, to assure me, to encourage me.. w/o u, i'll not haf ppl who encourages me when i'm down, assure me when i'm insecure, comfort me when i'm hurt..

it's oni in ur kingdom, w e standards u set for us; spur one another on daily (hebrews 10:24-25)

*my fighting spirit dat i've lost for quite some time is back!*
*oh god, pls b w me. bless me w ur wisdom n strength.*

i luv u

| LoVe U mUmMy..

2006-09-13T17:34:00.000+09:00

saw my mum crying while on e phone juz now.. gosh.. felt dat i'm so incapable.. not able to help at all..

for e past few yrs, she has been bringing bread hm, has been settling e bills.. yea i do help out but not all n i still keep some for myself.. juz feel dat she's been tiring herself so much for so many many yrs.. helping e family to clear e loans etc.. but my dad isnt doing anyth.. as if she's obliged to do so.. juz becoz she's his wife? gosh.. dat's bad..

suddenly feel like she has grown old so much.. so tired in her whole life, but wat has she got? nth but paying bills every mth.. gd husband? = no, gd life? = no, gd children? = no..

worse still whenever she talk to me, asking me things juz to wan to start conversation w me.. i talked in a v unpleasant way.. like v impatient tone.. dat's so bad..

juz wan to let her noe dat i still luv her even thou my rudeness whenever we talk.. so sorry..

gOd's LoVe 4 me n u

2006-09-12T15:34:00.000+09:00

was feeling very very heavy hearted.. but really god showed himself as soon as i haf doubts in him..

wanted come n blog when i saw ying jiun on msn.. gosh.. wat a relief i met her here.. vomitted all my feelings out.. cried all my feelings, frustration, disappointment..

juz haf to accept that this is life, if i'm able to see n understand god's plan then he's not god animore.. but definitely like in jeremiah 29:11 [ "For i noe i 've plans for u", declares e lord, "plans to prosper u n not to harm u, plans to gif u hope n a future. ]

i still believe dat god luvs me. wear e ring everyday to remind myself dat. not to lose focus on god.

like wat ying jiun say, we'r pilgrimage on earth. sometimes really cant figure out why things happen this way but to juz accept it n that life really happens tis way. i will understand it by n by as i move on e journey.

all i need to do is to cling on to god n i'll understand it by n by. maybe not now but definitely one day in future, i'll see n understand why things happen tis way now.. never shld i let go of god's hand, if i let go, i'll never ever understand it.

suddenly tot of tis verse: isaiah 49:16 "See, i've engraved you on the palms of my hand; ur walls are ever before me." it juz shows how much god loves me.

ying jiun oso shared lamentations 3 w me.. emphasized more on v 21-36.

e writer of lamentations has a godly mindset n postitive attitude towards god's love for himself. e writer understands e meaning of hitting rock bottom, but he still hold on a grip on god by saying god's loyal love couldn't haf run out, his merciful love couldn't haf run dry.

trials n challenges in life are all meant for us to cling on close to god no matter wat.

patiently wait when times are tough, waiting takes faith and trust for God to act at the right time.

amen.

thank god for letting me meet ying jiun online if not i'll fall deep into self pity..

aNotHeR hApPeN|Ng dAy

2006-09-12T12:57:00.000+09:00

ytd was such a long day..

in e morning i woke up at 8am, went to meet felicia, brought her to kala kala to look for jun xian.. stayed w her till abt 12.30pm, jx drove me to redhill to pick rui han, den to temasek poly for rui han to drop smth den to my sch..

gosh.. jx say my teacher waste his petrol.. haha.. my 2 hrs lab lesson was cut to oni 1hr.. so i went to meet dem at northpoint.. they drove me back to imm.. after dat they went to jx's hse..

haha.. after closing, lz promised to go out w jx on sun nite.. but he was ill.. so last nite e 3 of us went out.. we went to play pool followed by lan.. oh.. dun understand why sooooooooooo many ppl like to play those games.. i dun see e purpose in playing.. i tried playing.. played battlefield, dota n maple..

*to zara.. i dun understand wat's so nice abt maple?! so routine, boring.. no fun*

but battlefield, i still need time to really get use to it i guess.. they didnt really explain to me.. once e com's on, they started playing.. gd thing lz was ard.
he at least bothered to explain a lil to me.. n i was in e same team as him to fight against jx..

oh.. dota is smth i totally couldnt understand.. either i'm tired that's y i' pissed off.. or i juz dun understand.. it seems more diff to understand n play than battlefield..

*to marilyn, i dun understand wat's so nice abt dota too. haha..*

yea.. reach hm at 4am.. again.. not completing my ppt slides.. juz now muz wake up at 10am to do it.. initially planned to do it at 7am.. den go for lecture that's at 12pm.. haha.. not still hm... didn't plan to go le..

i think i seriously need to tink thru.. v ill discipline n no boundary.. esp when it comes to close frenz or ppl who ask me for favour etc.. muz go n find verses n reflect upon n repent..

hAPpEn|Ng dAy

2006-09-10T06:19:00.000+09:00

these few days haf been kinda free.. after sch's wrk den hm.. kinda routine.. somehow felt smth's missing..

fri supposed to haf d-grp but i couldnt make it as i oni noe last min.. kinda irresponsible to juz bomb my fren like dat.. oh steph left for her business trip on fri mid nite too.. copehagan n paris.. she had bad experience at paris.. got robbed dere on e day she arrived last time.. muz pray for her to b safe n sound n healthy.. she's gg to b away for 1 mth!!!

today woke up v early in e morning.. went to observe e footdrill compeitition.. my cadets got worse.. gosh.. heard dat training oni started last wk.. but dat's not an excuse.. it's more foundation built during their weekly trainings.. obbviously they didnt pay full attention n effort to learn during their weekly footdrill sessions..

surprisingly, aung heth got e best commander for e mixed team category.. guess it'll b an encouragement n motivation 4 dem to wrk harder during trainings..

after dat celebrated sir koh's b'day.. haha.. he got conned.. couldn't blow off e 'magic' candles.. he gave all of us a treat to pizza hut.. oh my.. i was so full.. hee.. but i finally got my craving dat has been for a wk.. PIZZA HUT.. haha.. yum yum..

he drove us back after everyth.. i took an hr to b hm.. we went to clementi to drop zara den teck whye to drop nic.. as i stayed nearest to sir koh, i'm e last to alight too.. it's oni e 3rd time he's driving eversince he got his license n it's like 2 yrs ago.. haha.. gd dat at least he's std is maintained.. still can drive.. juz abit slow..

gosh.. it's 530am.. i juz got hm.. went for movie w jx, lz, pr, fy, wm, xy n jj.. haha.. we laughed non stop as usual.. but i think i'm tired.. was rushing proj earlier on w shu hui's help.. thanks alot gal.. w/o u i wont finish it so fast.. ;)
initially wanted to catch e 12.10am show.. end up, we took e 2.05am show.. e earlier on one has no more seats.. so tired.. i fell aslp quite a few times towards e end of e show..

while waiting for e show, we went to haf dinner cum supper.. at yoshinoya.. was feeling abit hungry.. ate oni e pizza hut meal at 1+2pm.. haha.. bro msg me when we juz bought e tix.. haha.. he got hm at 1am too.. so late.. sounds burdened.. but didnt wan to share.. juz gotta include him in my prayer list lo.. try my best to help..

i brought my dog down to poo today too.. feel so weird.. suddenly didnt haf much to do.. as in i've time exactly juz for doing proj.. if not almost everyday i'll b rushing, juggling proj w wrk etc.. anyway, since my bro's not hm too.. so juz bri her down lo.. anyway it's time for her to downstairs n poo poo..

she's juz so adorable.. b4 we went down, she havent finish her dinner.. so i told her "bambi, if u wan to go down muz quickly finish up ur dinner first".. e very next moment we found dem finished up everyth dat's dere for dem..

*haha.. as i'm typing now, i'm falling aslp at e same time*

i'm v afraid dat later on i cant wake up.. gotta wake up at 7am.. meeting marilyn for breakfast den we'll travel down to church tog den meet gwen to pray tog b4 gg 4 svc.. gosh.. how am i gg to survive? aha.. tml after church gg east coast park too.. having our afternoon devo tml.. after dat rushing down to imm to wrk.. wat a long day again..

so initially i planned not to slp.. but now i tink i cant tahan alr.. ytd slept at abt 1+2am.. finished closing at 12am.. started e closing at 10.45pm.. oni left me n jx.. haha.. n i learnt how to show him my true colours le.. i kept quiet for abt 30-60mins).. totally ignnore him..

*eyes r closing le*

*poom.. mayb take a wink first.. 1 1/2 hr.. shld b can ba.. hopefuly i can wake up.. gosh..*

~pOuR|Ng of tHOuGHtS~

2006-09-07T14:54:00.000+09:00

after e continuous b'day celebration, i started thinking.. why tis yr's so different? i've nv had a b'day dat's like tis.. like wat steph n fang jin say? - ppl's person? really went all out to serve dem built friendships dat's real = real to one another.. really giving my heart out.. that's y dey r doing so to app, to show dat they cherish e friendship? gosh.. v thick skin.. haha.. but even frenz frm sec sch whom i seldom keep contact w, dey oso msg me.. frenz who r overseas studying, even send a b'day card to me.. when i dun rmb her b'day.. so bad of me.. wat a fren..

ytd was a reflection day 4 me..

spent time w ching eu (someone who really noes wat i'm thinking even when i'm not).. had dinner w her, chat 4 awhile b4 gg 4 mid wk..

during e chat, she asked me "so how r u? how 've u been feeling?"

i was speechless.. didnt noe wat to share.. den she say "has it been a long time since ppl ask u tis? no wonder u cant share.."

yea.. in fact, i've been so outwardly focus for e lost, i neglected myself.. i didnt noe how i was feeling.. i juz noe dat i'm tired.. i need a break.. enuf of sch.. proj.. fyp.. family.. she showed me verses dat she wrote in her diary (hey.. she oso got diary..), pics she drew to express herself..

one thing dat i'm convicted is e pic she drew.. watever things in her life, she put god in e center link.. meaning she--god--wrk
she--god--study
she--god--ministry

i feel dat dat's wat's missing.. i didnt put god as e center link.. i was juz remembering his existance but not really building my relationship w him.. i've not been serious w my quiet time.. not putting it first in my everyday agenda when it shld w no EXCUSE..

my everyday is packed w so many other things but not time w god..

everyday is packed w study(sch), wrk, proj, spending time w x'tians, spending time w frenz, church activites if dat day has..

my relationship w god isnt growing.. how can my wish to haf a fruit within e next yr esp in e coming champaign mth b fulfilled? it'll not come true even thou i put it first in my bday wish.. :-(

ytd's mid wk was a double booster.. first was on discipleship.. how 've i been a disciple.. how effective, wat it means to b a disciple.. wat it takes to be a disciple.. next was alvin's lesson 4 e champaign mth.. he showed verses, each bibletalk presented their invitation cards..

questions he encouraged us to think abt:
- wat is e character u wan to see urself change
- wat is ur goal in e champaign mth
- wat do u wan to achieve

at first i tot, hmm.. goal to 've ongoing studies.. when i think of wat i wan to see myself change, i couldnt think of any.. which is impossible.. how can i not haf.. after putting pride aside, being honest to myself n god.. i realise i've got many things to see myself change in..

wan to see myself change in:
- learning to love e lost; love dem wholeheartedly frm e bottom of my heart.. even if dey were to reject me.. ultimately dey'r rejecting god..
- learning to be more discipline; be consistent in my quiet time.. deepen my convictions.. not lazy; when dere's qns frm frenz or myself, take e extra effort to find out n not juz ask ard.. not putting enuf effort.. setting my priorities right..

juz had my psycho lecture juz now.. topic was on aggression.. realised dat hey, i'm not as perfect as i tink.. not as gd as i think.. too self-righteous.. thou a 100% for sure thing is i'll not b violent.. but whenever i'm angry,

i do:
- supress my feeling
- try to calm myself down outwardly but inwardly it's 'burning'
- i even haf passive aggression; i get back at ppl indirectly.. = tryin to irritate ppl
*gosh..*
- i've delay gratification too.. cant wait.. want smth esp urgent.. means wan it now..
- silent treatment = watever ppl ask me i'll say "dunno, dun want" n nth else..
eg: "r u angry? - dunno"
"wan to talk? - dun want" etc..

i'm v hostile too.. esp to family members.. my mum, sis.. to dem, many a times i'll say "come n eat"
after many times of calling, still dun come..
"dun wan to eat dun eat lo.. ask so many times alr.. u choose not to eat.. den now u say u'r hungry"
= dunno how to show dat i love dem

i meant well, but i keep having e mindset dat we'r so close w one another, u shld noe how to take care of urself.. so "big" alr.. dere's many other things i need to focus on too..

come to think of it.. wat r e other things i need to focus on? proj.. gosh.. how can dat b my top priority..

thereotically i noe top priority shld be god followed by family

but in action, i'm not showing it..
no wonder.. thks to steph 4 her reminder e other time.. "haf u been a gd elijah for elisha to follow?"

i've not been one.. dat's y my sis is not inspired to come to church.. in fact she see me gg to church as a burden.. wei ting doesn't haf a gd disciple, gd eg to follow.. gosh.. gotta repent.. b4 wei ting gets e feeling of "kena conned" n leaves church too..

*sigh*

jUz sOOOOOOOO grateful to haf u guys in my life..

2006-09-06T16:31:00.000+09:00

*continuation of b'day celebration*

sUnDaY
oh... woke up late.. rushed to church w e cake made for ching eu n siew hoon.. guessed i slept too late n was exhausted.. hee..

after svc, as usual, e whole grp had lunch tog at e mezzanine level.. den e surprise came.. steph n wei ting bought a small cake frm breadtalk 4 me too.. everyone started laughing.. *looking at e difference b/w my cake n ching eu's cake* *siew hoon went hm w ernest n lil pamela*
steph den explained e diff in size of e cake is becoz e one 4 ching eu is baked by me.. :D

*yea.. i noe smth dat's not cheesecake.. choc cake w yogurt n pineapple topping.. sounds weird? wait till u taste it.. it blends in JUZ NICE!! *

as e tradition, dere was a rd of sharing..
at first i was juz overwhelmed, shocked.. totally didnt expect.. was juz thinking.. "ok.. gotta learn to b giving n it's ok dat i dun celebrate my b'day aniwae i feel happier celebrating 4 others.."

e last person who shared: ching eu.. she made me burst into tears..
*arrrgh.. so embarrassing; crying in front of e whole grp.. so many of dem*
i think it's becoz we were sooooo closed.. thou she's so much older than me *20yrs*.. but she can really relate to me, knowing how i exactly feel when sometimes i myself dun noe..

she shared abt last yr how i stayed strong when pei yi n jasmine left.. i struggled so much for 1/2 a yr.. crying each time they'r mentioned.. how i struggle e transition period frm teens to northwest singles right after my baptism.. i had so much bitterness in my heart.. god was nv in e pic at all.. even when i seem to haf tot straight.. wanting to help pei yi n jasmine get back w god.. wat a naughty gal.. she oso shared abt wat she told me abt her vision for me like esther in e bible.. she still believe one day i'll make it..

even qiu ling.. shared dat she hope to wrk hard w me n b in e leadership one day.. which i nv tot of.. being a leader spiritually is tough.. i cant imagine myself being a leader one day.. haha.. juz wrk on e present..

after dat when i share abt ching eu, i cried again n tis time rd, she cried too.. haha..

after all e sharing, had a small lesson frm her on how to do seeking god's study w ppl.. was kinda sleepy.. tink either i ate too full earlier on or cried too hard.. *use too much energy* haha..

den my sun usual.. RUSHING TO WRK..
reached e wrk place, all in a mess.. so many customers..

at nite, jx, lz n pr planned a surprise dat's so sweet..

kept saying wan to send me hm.. dey'r tired, next day they'r leaving s'pore.. end up.. drove to geylang n ate my FAV: DOU JIANG YOU TIAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! = soy bean drink w hmm.. you tiao lo.. :p

*yummy yum yum*

again, dey lied..
kept saying wan to go hm..

we ended up at mt faber.. me n jx went to take a stroll while pr talk tp lz *she claims to haf things to tell lz*

went back to e car, *boo* a cake w candles lited!!

so sweet hor? haha

after e whole celebration's over, i realised i nv take pic juz now.. so we took out e cake n take pic again.. w e remaining 1/2 a cake facing e cam.. haha.. so much fun..

ohh.. at e strike of 12am....

my beloved cadets called w zara to my phone.. we had conference.. n e plan was.........

to sing me a b'day song.. oh...

*overwhelme w everyone's love liao..* *floating* haha

mOnDaY
after sch, spent time w FELICIA.. how can i leave her out in my b'day celebration record? ;)

we went to ps, shopped for xavier's b'day gift..
bought him a book titled "wild at heart; discovering e secrets of a man's soul"
he's entering ns tis fri, so tot of getting him a book dat will help pull him thru at least e 1st mth of his ns life..

we ate lotsa food too.. felicia kept feeding me..

w/o breakfast n lunch, dat was my first meal at 5pm.. we shared 1 yoshinoya set den we went to get auntie annie's pretzel n den we shared ice cream dat's oso 94% fat free!!!
*thou not venizia*

after dat we went to bishan, felicia needs to collect smth..

haha.. oni do stupid things w a few ppl.. one of dem is felicia..

frm bishan, we went back to city hall.. i was hoping i can get e puma jacket.. but... even e DISPLAY is GONE..
sadly.. we headed towards e mrt stationn..

passed by e shop dat i saw another jacket dat was new.. *saw it earlier at ps*

hmm.. after thinking for awhile.. yes! i bought it!

went hm, continue my day.. went hm n burnt mid nite oil to finish up my newsletter.. gosh.. i conquered e com finally.. haha.. actually juz copying n pasting into a newletter format..

rushed n den went to bed at 2+ near 3am.. :p

hmm.. ya.. basically dat's how my last 2 day's of celebration went.. WOW!! 5days of b'day celebration.. i've nv had b4..

*will blog more again.. been feeling alot these few days.. both +ve n -ve.. haha.. *

qUaL|tY t|mE~

2006-09-03T02:13:00.000+09:00

yeah yeah..

since thur, i've been celebrating my b'day.. haha.. dunno y tis yr my b'day seems to drag so long n create commotion in a way.. haha

tHuRsdAy
i went to spend time w ying jiun at little india.. she gave me a lunch treat.. it's my first time eating traditional indian food.. haha.. e dhaal was nice.. yum yum.. e serving for rice is as thou it's free.. haha
*drank alot of water thou.. it's spicy ma.. :P*

fRdAy
i spent time w my beloved aunt jean.. she's e one who looked after me since young.. prayed for me for 9 YEARS.. she perservered.. god answered her prayer.. for me to become a christian one day.. :p
she cooked baked macaroni w tuna n cheese for my lunch.. we baked chocolate cake tog for ching eu n siew hoon..
oh.. I FINALLY NOE HOW TO BAKE SMTHELSE ASIDE FROM CHEESECAKE.. haha..

at nite, i went to watch movie w ge-5 n their gf.. gosh.. e movie was frm 11.10pm to abt 1+am.. den had supper at jurong west, had teochew porridge.. after dat chat n chat..
end up everyone got hm at 4am..

but fook yuen n i went to imm w jx to bri e stock for sat.. so we (me jx n lz) dun need to rush on sat morning to imm den to woodlands checkpoint to meet fang jing n company..

THE END: i reached hm at 5am.. woke up at 8am.. :-/

sAtURdAy
yeah.. today went to JB for go-kart session w fang jing, n some other bros n sis frm church.. brought jun xian n liang zhen along.. yeah.. dey enjoyed it..

after dat i went hm to take my lecture notes (2 somemore).. so heavy.. for bro.. he needs it.. gonna study psycho next yr but noe nuts abt it.. haha..
but w e interest, he can do it one.. :)

rushed to sentosa to meet zara, lina, cheng yi, mei yee, gracia, kenneth, n lina's bro.. played volleyball, rested den Han Chong came.. end up, he taught me, zara n lina how to play volleyball.. we had gd time playing.. den e rest joined, somehow like cant interact..

end up, we played captain's ball.. everyone got involved.. 3 on 3 + 1 "human goal post" (THAT'S ME..) haha.. went to wash up after dat den rushed to meet bro..

gOsHHHHHHHH...

it took us 30mins to queue n get onboard e bus to get to e main entrance of sentosa.. initally we decided to meet bro 8.30pm at dhoby gaut..
7.30pm - shower, get changed
8.10pm - started e queue for e bus
8.40pm - got onboard *finally* phew..
abt 9pm - started walking out of sentosa
9.30pm - reached harbour front mrt station
9.50pm- reached dhoby gaut *finally* *pant* *pant*
(both me n zara) [ kept apologising n giving e so sorry smile to bro ]

started dinner at oni 10pm.. gosh.. my 1st proper meal of e day.. so hungry.. e rushing burned up my roti prata kosong frm JB.. haha..

+ i didnt slp on fri nite.. 2-3 hrs.. haha.. cant believe i did it! haha.. i'm still as "strong" as b4.. ;)

back at hm.. wanted to finish up my newsletter (start frm scratch).. coz zara's laptop crash again.. after it recovered few days back.. so she cant send wat she did so far to me..
oso tml nite after wrk, dere's another rd of celebration w jx, lz n ms ruan..
so i plan to finish it tonite..

end up: chatting w bro.. haha.. it's 2.15am le.. more than 24hrs i'm awake.. gonna slp.. tml nite come hm den do ba..

*no time left* *no choice* *tml nite after celebration den do le..* :p

hOL|dAy~ times of refreshing..

2006-08-30T15:54:00.000+09:00

finally.. today's e day.. had a long sleep.. frm 3am to 2pm.. hahaha.. sooooooo refreshing.. :)

ytd was a fruitful day.. went to make my specs in e afternoon (so exp.. for 2yrs i'll not change specs.. take gd care of tis pair :p), spent time w steph n had dinner den she showed me smth abt elijah n elisha (2 king 2:1-14).. so convicted.. i havent been a gd elijah 4 my elisha to follow.. got to repent.. gotta b watchful on my behaviour, things that i do.. coz for her as a young x'tian, she observes n absorbs v fast n everyth..

as much as i juz gotta please god, but i gotta shine for god too.. shining for god = setting an eg for his ppl to follow juz like a prophet.. so that when others see me, it'll remind dem n show dem wat jesus is like.. thanks steph for e reminder.. :)

after dat we went for evangelism den met a v open gal.. oni 18, came to s'pore to take 'O' levels.. plan to study nursing too.. hee.. she's v open, agreed to meet up for dinner on thur n come for bibletalk after dat too.. v encouraging..

had wei ting's follow up study at julie's hse after dat.. julie did a lesson on temptations of a disciple.. (matt 4:1-11) satan noes wat's our weakest area n will tempt us in dat..
satan even dare to tempt jesus, wat's more for human like us who has a sinful nature?

i think many a times when i'm weak esp during e first 6mths of my x'tian life, i faced a challenge in life n satan was dere tempting me in my weakest area so strongly.. there were times where i'm tempted not to go to church becoz of finances, tpt n food is quite high.. there were oso times where i'm tempted to not go for church becoz i wan to haf personal time, indulge in my own hobbies (watching tv, slacking at hm, sleeping).. all these r physical temptations..

there were times where i'm w emotions too.. thinking that god doesn't love me, frm what he planned for me, it shows he doesn't love me, it shows that he juz wan to torture me.. all these tempted me to haf no faith in god..

recently i feel dat i'm distracted by so many things outside church.. i'm very/too involved in my fren's shop, my ndp trainings n relationship w sj frenz.. i think it's ok to build friendship w dem, ultimately is to help dem.. but e main thing i think is to strike a balance b/w both sides..

~wHat cAn ReLy oN n tmEs of tEmPtatoNs~

why is there temptations?
1 peter 5:8 = satan wants us to be on his side not god's side, wants us to leave god

why god allows temptations?
1 peter 1:6-7 = to purify us
james 1:2-4 = to mould our character
v 13-15 = god doesnt tempt us, it's our evil desire we'r tempted to

romans 12:21 = temptations will always be dere, it's how we react n handle it

how to overcome it?

matt 4:4, 7, 10 ("for it's written")

= using e word of god practically

at every stage of our life, we'r tempted by different things, different from e temptations faced earlier on.. juz haf to learn n rely on god, to move on, alwasys trusting in him who noes best..

FuLL of sUrPR|sEs~ helpless..

2006-08-29T05:15:00.000+09:00

gosh.. e long awaited tioman trip is cancelled.. dun wan to blame anyone.. it's no one's fault.. juz god's plan i tink.. today morning my phone's flooded w sms.. all on tis wk's schedule n changes.. so confusing n kinda irritating to a certain extend.. *take a deep breath*

thou i'm not able to go tioman, i'm still packed n it's my holidays... tml, gg to get my new phone followed by rest (i tink i'll b spending time charging my phone n exploring it.. 1st time using sony ecricssion) den spending time w steph at 6.30pm, followed by evangelism at 8pm den 9pm wei ting's follow-up study.. d-grp after dat.. man.. isn't my night packed? haha.. tis is my every wk's tue's schedule.. w/o fail.. :P

wed;
i'll be most prob finding time to study 4 e quiz 4 e deep-teaching series n do my proj.. haven done anyth since fri.. den at nite gg mid wk.. hmm.. ok la, still relax.. hee..
thur;
i'll be having bible talk at julie's hse at nite..
fri;
there's meeting at ching eu's hse, she's gonna teach how to do 'seeking god' study w ppl.. 2.30pm-4.30pm.. den i'll b meeting zara.. she's gonna help me w my fyp.. com idiot, dunno how to do newsletter.. stupid.. (maybe celebrating ching eu's b'day too)

sat; [e day]
hai.. another packed day..
2pm dere's jennifer's restoration study at julie's place till (hopefully) 4pm, latest 4.30pm.. rush to meet zara n company.. she planned a gathering 4 e ndp marshallers, us n e 3 cadets.. hai.. promised to haf dinner w her no matter wat!!
[dun wan to be a person who say but nv do.. yes i'll rush down no matter how late or how tired i'm.. no worries]

- i feel dat recently i'm so distracted by things outside.. even steph says so.. frankly speaking, i'm so tempted to not go 4 jennifer's study coz 1) e gathering was planned first, 2) dun wanna miss e rare chance of everyone spending time tog.. everyone's life is so diff.. hard to get a time where everyone can make it..

lookin at how sam=bro put god first in daily life (guess he recently learnt n got it back :p), motivates me to REMEMBER how impt it is n how naturally it shld be coming frm me.. to put god first.. those reasons dat i tot of r all EXCUSES!! i gotta learn to put my priorities right again..

i tink it all goes down to how close is my relationship w god recently? how serious n impt am i taking tis relationship? is my walk w him gd n close? is he in e pic always? how often do i tink of him?

gosh.. ans to all e above qns r.. BAD, LIGHTLT, NO, NO, RARELY..
this is SO SO SO SO SO SO bad for my spiritual life..
samantha see.. muz repent! tml morning after i get my new phone, once hm, QT first than any others..!!!!!! god, pls bless me w e strength to do it.. 1st step is always diff.. help me.. i dun wan to drift away frm u juz like dat.. after wrking so hard e past 1yr..
also, pls i pray 4 u to help me w my patience towards my family.. my mum esp.. been talking nastily to her, not showing her respect, short tempered towards her..

i dunno how to love her like i use to again.. god, i noe it's my pride, self pity n self righteousness dat's playing e angel n demon war..

i haf e mindset that i'm always right, e most pitiful at hm.. when she's no better off than me.. thou i've been helping out at hm eversince my first job after e Os, sacrificing (not alot la..) on n off for my sis, bro n mum, that doesnt gif me e right to do so god..

god i juz wan to pray to u.. pray dat u'll help me god.. i dunno how but pls juz help me god.. hope dat my QT w u tml rather later on will be great n my spending time w felicia on mon (hee.. my BIRTHDAY!! hahahahaha..) will b great god..
thou i missed gg to e beach w zara n e rest on sat, god thank you for blessing me w felicia who's always dere 4 me to lean on, rely on n find comfort n support frm god.. she's always speaking e truth in love n she's juz such a joy to me.. thou she's on 18 but she has e maturity n i feel she's juz so awesome.. always speaking e truth using ur words to remind me to do wat i'm suppose to do as a christian..

god, i juz wan to shine 4 u..
everywhere.. sch, frenz, home..

wHAt a wEeK~

2006-08-24T17:50:00.000+09:00

tHuRsDay
yea.. spent time w one of my dearest today, felicia..

again, i skipped my last lecture which is 4pm-5pm n b4 dat dere's 2hrs of break.. felt dat it's a waste of time slacking ard in sch 4 2hrs n if i meet her at 5pm, i wont b able to spend QUALITY time w her..

however, i nv regret my decision.. we really had a Great time together (as usual) talking our hearts out, being vulnerable in front of each other.. w felicia, i do not need to put on a strong front.. i can let my hairs down, let my feelings out comfortably..
we went to bugis, shopped ard den after dinner we walked over to city hall to get my slippers.. haha.. bought quite a no. of things today..

bought a pair of slippers, new specs [been always wanting.. yea.. so HAPPY dat i Finally got it ;)], 1 1/2 pair of earrings n a new note book for writing notes for sun svcs, mid wk svcs n wei ting's follow up studies too.. hmm.. y 1 1/2 pair of earrings? coz one pair + one side of a pair lo.. hahahaha.. e other half of a pair i w felicia.. :p

fRiDay
went out w bro n zara today.. objective = help bro to get a jacket..
haha.. at first it was awkward, it's so diff.. our v first impression is each other in uniform, even zara say she felt abit uneasy.. haha *dun mind ar.. :p*

bro juz look so diff in e army uniform n in civilian's clothing.. but hey hey, u'r a civilian le.. ;)

ever been a walking model for a day? haha i did.. thou i'm abit bigger size than her..

after walking e whole day looking, searching for jackets (get e best we can find).. e 3 of us went to e "park" at marina square n we ate my fav ice cream - 95% fat free ; VENEZIA.. haha.. kena suan, dey say thou it's 95% fat free, we'll still become fat juz at a slower rate.. :p
each one of us chose a flavour, bro = dark choc, zara = cookies 'n' cream, me = lemon.. haha.. e dark choc was rich but seems not as rich as gelare's choc overload (bro's fav)..

aniwae, we ended up chatting after e ice cream.. got stuck to e chair, so comfortable sitting in e "park" n talking.. as usual, zara n i went crazy, high.. laugh n laugh non stop.. haha.. we were saying bro next time wont go out w us alr; scared of e 2 of us.. first time go out tog n we'r so "crazy" haha..

after dat rushed to hq, zara took her bike dat she bought frm national camp.. den i rushed to tampinesss to meet steph n wei ting to go 4 our N.W's mini retreat.. haha.. recently i'm so tired.. i kept dozing off.. after dinner, we went to a pub n drank a lil n celebrated han chong n michael's b'day.. hee.. as usual.. lil gal oni noe how to drink hooch.. haha.. alcoholic but cant taste it, oni can taste e sweetness of blackcurrant.. haha.. so funny, steph n fang jing still ask if i'm of age.. haha.. yea.. dat's being e lil gal in N.W.. youngest lo.. :p

went back to e chalet n watch movie.. to watch e show "eight below", i tahan until 2+am n finish oni at 4am.. b4 dat dey were showing "joseph's (frm e bible) life in cartoon form.. basically it's gen 37 onwards.. after i finish watching "eight below", i knocked off even thou i was slping on e floor n it was SUPER SUPER SUPER COLD... haha.. slept all e way to 10.30am.. fang jing, jerry n deon went for e run; i couldnt wake up.. so sad.. missed e opportunity to run e route dat jerry explored.. he claime e route as "jerry's trail".. haha.. heard frm deon, dere's a V V big empty space, nice scenery by e beach.. :(

sAtuRdAy
steph bought breakfast for me.. on n off many ppl woke me up, but my eyes juz couldn't open..
it took me abt 2 1/2 hrs to finish my "brunch".. got interrrupted.. while i'm eating half way, jerry says dat do QT better than watching tv, when we can watch tv at hm.. since all r here, do QT tog better which is 100% true.. so did QT den had prayer in small grp.. den steph left.. e rest of us continued singing, having our mini im-promptu afternoon devo.. we nearly sang e whole song book.. taught zach n wei ting my kids' kingdom songs.. haha.. coz dey didn't grow up in e church nor as w a x'tian background.. so i taught dem e songs n actions how kids will express e song.. haha.. so much fun, juz like gg back to my childhood days.. hee..

left e chalet at 3pm w han chong n wei ting.. den i realised dat i'm wrking at 4pm, not 5pm.. so overwhelmed.. i was wearing neither white top nor shoes.. gosh...
called jx, ask him how.. end up i couldn't get my mum to get shirt for me to change too.. she was rushing off to wrk by e time she called me.. end up, i went to jx's place in slippers n blue top.. gd ting i didnt go hm after sch on thur, so i've my jeans.. haha..

finished wrk feeling v v tired.. saw zara's missed call.. called her back.. *boom* she gave me a surprise.. dose 3 cadets of ours r actually still in contact w ppl we didnt expect dem to be in contact w.. aniwae zara surprised me not w e confirmation of gathering tis wkend, but for e v fact dat mel n han chong n roy r joining us.. gosh.. actually feel like it's been a long long time we'r talking, recalling abt NDP n i tink it's definitely gonna b V V gd memory in our lives, but i tink we shld move on either to build friendship b/w each other or juz forget abt dem n juz continue to lead life normally..

sUnDay
once again, i struggled to wake up in e morning.. i tink i really haf slp disorder.. when it's time to wake up, i slp.. when it's time to slp, (like now.. hee..) i'm awake.. gosh.. got no choice but to take cab down to church.. hai..

immediately after svc, i was doing my hope world wide flag day stuff.. felicia came to pop by n b4 i say anyth i juz hugged her n breakdown.. gosh... totally couldn't control myself.. i was in e straitshall w so many ppl ard me.. ppl like shaun suddenly came to say 'hi' too n he saw e crying.. den he asked who bullyed me? i still can joke saying 'u la..' haha.. nah.. i tink i'm over over over stretched recently.. probably e past few months.. eversince i start yr 3.. stress n worried over my present n future.. keep tinking thou i'm v tired, feeling so stretched; but i should juz tahan n enjoy wat i can coz next yr i would b able to b leading a life i'm leading now.. = free n easy.. go out as n when i wan, do watever i wan anytime n anyday..
when i start wrk next yr, i'll b having a shift wrk lifestyle.. oni time i've to b out w ppl is on days when i'm on morning or off.. i cant b out when i'm on afternoon shift, no one can meet me n of coz when i'm on nite, when it's time 4 dinner or drink or entertainment i gotta go. rush to wrk.. *sigh*.. worried that i'll haf difficulty meeting up w x'tians; spending time w my frenz in church n outside church like sj frenz, sec sch frenz.. oso discipling time.. worried dat i'll not haf enuf faith n convictions dat's strong n deep enuf to pull me thru e 3 yrs..

suddenly i realised, i'm worrying.. that's a sin.. gosh.. dat shouldn't be e way.. i should juz leave it to god to plan my future.. he has e best plan for my future..

romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose".

*repent, repent*

hEaRt 4 rEpENtAnCe

2006-08-24T01:14:00.000+09:00

sooooooooooooooo disappointing...

had 1) mid wk n 2) spent time w marilyn (watched e movie "Click") today, as part of e deep teaching series as usual, quiz....

1) e lesson,

i was quite confident n lookin 4wd to it coz last wk i had 5/7, prev wk i had oni 1/7.. repented + chapter2 is a topic i'm interested in.. laws n decrees - god noes better.
it's all abt health..
eg: - laws concerning leprosy = it's actually stated in e bible dat ppl w infection remains unclean = muz quarantine.. [leviticus 13:46]

- laws against touching e dead = after touching e dead or anyth dat has germs muz wash hands [ numbers 19:11-13, 19:17-19]

- laws commanding sanitation = muz haf specific place to relieve ourselves [ deut 23:12-13]

- laws to circumcise, the miracle 8th day = muz to cirumcise coz chances of getting urinary tract infection is 10X more n chances of getting AIDS is 8X more; oso tis muz b done on e 8th day of e new born coz new borns nd vit K for clotting factor in e bld.. n on e 8th day, e prothrombin level is e highest.. [gen17:12]

- laws against sexual immorality = juz 1 century ago (100yrs ago), 97.5% of brides n grooms had their first encounter during e 1st nite of marriage.. (Klassen, Williams, Levitt et al., 1989) [ hebrews 13:4] ;
if a man is burning w passion, he shld marry [1 Cor 7:9]

n many many more like laws against worrying [ matt6:25-34], even to anger [prov 29:11]; our anger most of e time is actually due to our EGO; when we'r tired, we tend to stop thinking n analysing.. [romans 12:3]..

so amazing at how relatable e bible is, n once again deepen my conviction on god's e maker of e world n it's literally e world = all mankind, man's brain, technology, germs, hygiene..

i could even memorise all e 3 memory scriptures [ deut 10:12-13, hebrews13:4, psalms 34:18].. i was encourged by my results last wk.. but to my surprise, i oni got 3/7.. so sad.. partly coz i couldnt understand wat e qn was asking, another reason is becoz i didnt study wat was asked..

wat was asked was deeper n more detail than wat i studied.. did i take e deep teaching series, god's words too lightly? i tink i did.. coz abt half of wat was asked was actually frm e New Testament which is e homework = quiet time series for e wk.. which i haven been doin consistently..

dat's so bad.. my relationship w god is kinda affected i tink, esp recently i started helping out at my fren's shop.. more n more projs.. i started to lose focus on him.. which is VERY VERY bad.. i noe it but i'm not doing anyth abt it.. leaving it getting worse, drifting further n further away frm him..

so selfish of me.. for all dat he has done, was juz to 've a relationship w us; to teach, rebuke, correct n train us to be a better person.. [2Tim 3:16] he set exact commands, standards for us in e bible.. all we need to do is to follow..
thou i struggled alot during e 1st n 3rd (today's lesson) chapter, one thing i managed to understand frm today's lesson is dat he wants to see unquestionable obedience..

gosh.. watelse can i say, we'r all sinners.. [romans 5:8], tis is smth we cant change, we'r one everyday except e fact dat when we accepted god n putting him first in in our life = getting baptized, our sins r all washed away BUT dat doesnt mean dat we dun nd repentance..

e very fact dat we'r aware of repentance, cant say "no" to it for we noe e consequences; sin seperates us frm god.. oso dat goes to show dat i'm taking god for granted..

i tink i really gotta start repenting.. god bless me w ur wisdom n strength.. repentance brings time of refreshing.. [acts 3:19]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2) oh ya.. abt e movie "Click"..
gosh.. it's such a nice movie.. movie w climax n really caught me off guard..

thou it's juz a movie, hey hey..
god's in e pic too..

lookin at how Adam Sandler neglect his family to wrk n earn more money; resort to doing things e easy way out caused him to missed every impt detail in his life..

one of which moved me was e part where he realised dat oni he's grown 10 or 20 yrs older, he missed his father's death.. w e "UNIVERSAL REMOTE CONTROL" he has, he went back to e last time he met his dad.. lookin at how he IGNORE his dad n son, makes me think of my relationship w my dad..

frm dat part where he ignored his dad n hurt his dad by telling him dat he actually knew his "magic" trick all e yrs n his dad still tell him to take care n he loves him, i start crying non stop till e end..

gosh..

*cry* *cry* *cry* *cry* *cry* *cry*

haha marilyn oso cried!!! haha..

e scene where adam sandler bought a "female" dog for his pet dog, was so touching.. he was so determine to put family first, change his mistakes n priorities in life.. he nv forget abt getting a partner for e dog too.. BUT who noes, e dog he bought was another male dog too.. i tink e funny part abt tis scene is matching a bull dog w a i tink labrador.. hahahahahaha..

i'm gonna watch it again when e dvd is out.. can watch w felicia.. poor thing.. cant watch it coz tml still got last paper n today's e last day e movie is screening.. hee.. no worries ok.. i'll watch w u one.. ;)

FINALLY updated! hee.. =)

2006-08-18T15:46:00.000+09:00

yo!
first n foremost, muz gif credits to 2 very impt ppl, dey've helped made tis blog possible (for a com idiot like me ;p) AND
they rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ** felicia yap** n **siti Zaharah**
felicia; thanks for helping me get e blog started! ;)
zara; thanks for helping me get my FAV blogskin = tarepanda :D (green is oso nice but blue will be perfect) n oso helping me link up to ur blog, bro's blog, even add in websites like blogskin, lisa explains all etc. (thou i've yet to understand wat all dose websites means :p) u even added music for me.. gosh.. wat can i say? haha.. yea we'll hold on together ya;-)

hmm.. where shall i start? hmm.. ok.. let's start frm ndp.

"this is my home

she's everything to me

grace n beauty

in all that u see

my island home

wherever i may be

i never will forget her

nor will she forget me

and i will sing

a song of home

a land of peace

where dreams r born everyday

my home

wherever i may be

i believe

you will always be a part of me

my island home

home of my family

this is my future

where i wan to be"

- kiara gong

juz ended my 2mths of "intensive" sats.. haha most of e time it's struggling to wake up so early on a sat.. haha but it's really a once in a life time experience i'll nv forget n it'll always b in my memories..

SJAB NDP Contingent '06

in e 2mths, zara, lina, limei n myself spent almost every sat together at khatib army campsite, kallang stadium n indoor stadium. we had fun, joy, anger, embarrassment n faced challenges together.

buddies: Lina, Me, Limei, Zara(e one "below" me :p)

more of us together :D

training n training n training..

Free Time~~

see e guy in e red circle? he brought tis "xi shua shua,
xi shua shua" cheer all e way to National Camp.. gosh.. tis is
done during most of e free time..
(p.s national camp is immediately after
national day - blog abt it another day)

look at tok cheng yi (in short = tok), grumbling n
sulking abt e food.. be grateful
u'r fed.. :p

zara's "dong" lei.. haha
("dong" lei = tong lei = same kind :p)

zara looking so depressed..
*kena left out*
hahaha.. someone quick! call IMH~

our dear bro sam [eh! same pet name as me :) ]
with his belated b'day presentSSS..
(5 ice cream frm zara, lina, limei, tian le
n me.. haha.. )

wat happens when everyone's so tired..?
(continue looking ;p)
p.s the box of cookies i'm holding is baked by lina.. yummy yum yum ;P

Lina n I wif e balloons borrowed frm e cadets..
(gosh.. cant believe i did tis :-/ looks so stupid)
p.s did tis when zara's talkin to e cadets [debrief], we'r behind e contingent.. haha..

poor zara, so tired after a day of lameness, jokes n craps

another day of training :D

it's really a gd opportunity to get to noe each other better.. we wrk together as a team to get e cadets moving, responding n behaving up to our stds.. i feel dat i got e hang of wrking w dem, noe their style of doing things n most imptly -- i learnt how to lead. hee.
we oso spent our spare time fruitfully. dere were times where lina, limei n myself study while zara was left alone feeling bored.. haha. BUt most of e time we joke n lame e whole afternoon. gosh.. those frenz who r not in sj will nv believe dat i can be so lame n so crazy..

haha we got to make new frenz who we had a gd time wrking w, samuel n roy n sgt toh. haha. recall back how we all start talking to each other, i tink was oni when we were at kallang stadium. haha once zara was calling for me frm my back, n behind her was samuel. guess wat? "sam sam!" both me n samuel turned looking at her. hahaha den we realise dat our name r e "same". as time passes, all of us enjoyed being together. not to forget ppl like sgt toh, always so quiet sit one side when sam n roy r not ard n always keeping quiet when he get "bullied" by zara; sir kk n sir koh, both of dem really took care of e officers = our welfare; mdm hui xin, sir wei wen, hakim, tian le n e 3 cadets..

our HARDWORKING marshallers :)
(SGT Toh, LTA Samuel, LCP Roy)

*to be continued... :) *

wAn tO g|vE uP~.. jUz lEt gO~~

2006-07-26T04:30:00.001+09:00

this is ridiculous! how can a 26 years old hit his mum n sis? how can a 26 years old have a/an temper/attitude of a teenager? over a small matter, man can get so agitated n hit e roof? use vulgarity? looking at mum n sis getting hurt, not feeling remorseful? why cant juz give n take? why is it so difficult to live on tis earth? w ppl who dunno god? where's god in e pic? i wan to trust n believe in u. BUT why r u making e path so narrow? not even a spot of light can be seen..! how can he continue to slp when there's quarrelling, fighting, so much noise gg on? it juz shows how responsible n how much he cares.. all e sweet talk is all RUBBISH!! if u really love me as ur daughter, dote on me e most among all 3, show it! action speaks louder than word isnt it?

in e bible u say~~,
- whatever we go thru now, u've gone thru dem. (hebrews 4:15)
- we shld trust in u w all our heart n lean not on our own understanding; in all ways acknowledge u, n u will make our path straight. (proverbs 3:5-6)
- we shld seek first ur kingdom n ur righteousness, n all these things will be given to me as well. (matthew 6:33)
- we can do everyth thru u who gives us strength. (philippians 4:13)
- i've not asked anyth in ur name. ask n i'll receive, n my joy will be complete. (john 16:24)

had such a strong urge of juz ending it myself.. but i lack e courage to do it n leave my mum n sis alone in this world.. e tot of ur mission for me; e sufferings, how u send ur one n only son to die for our sins; ur assurance n promise to us to live in tis world, assurance of guidance, salvation, answered prayer, putting u first in our life n living each day w ur strength.. All these held me back.. dun wan to regret, dying not accomplishing anyth u asked of me..

but i'm so tired of living in this world.. oh lord.. pls take me home..

iT's jUz gOd iN e pRoCeSS oF mOuLDiNg mY cHaRaCteR~ ;-)

2006-07-21T03:06:00.000+09:00

god's so encouraging esp recently.. he's answering my prayer.. =)
sUnDaY:
a classmate of mine, joseph, came for e davinci code svc.. i invited him b4 but he couldn't make it due to some last min changes.. b4 i invite him for e sun svc, my heart wasnt rite, i was struggling whether to ask anot n expecting him to say he has smth on, he's busy etc. but he agreed to come w/o hesitating much. it's such a joy n encouragement frm god..

mOnDaY:
first day at wrk for one of my sec classmate, jun xian. had a lil struggle, been quite awhile since e last time i wrk f&b.. was quite tired after a day in sch n haven been slping well 4 e past 2 wks. after wrk, we went for supper n had a long talk.. frm 12am to 2am.. gosh.. nv tot tat we can talk so long. had a gd talk. talked abt his business, gave a few suggestions; talked abt his relationship w his gf, how impulsive he has been, not taking such things seriously, acting on impulse; his plan 4 his future. he didnt plan to get a degree, stopping at dip n will wrk for e rest of his life.
i used my dad as an eg to motivate him to really plan his life, not being so naive thinking not to study, starting early to wrk n earn money is gd.. personally i feel dat it's such a bad plan. looking at my dad, i feel dat if oni he's not complacent, if oni he's diligent to constantly upgrade himself; things wont be wat it is today. it's such a burden for his kids in future when he n his wife grow old.
somehow we talked abt who's e one in control of our lives. he said confidently "i'm e one in control of my life." god's definitely w us always. i had e courage to tell him "wat if i tell u e bible actually says dat we'r not e one in control? " he challenged me; -ok den tell me wat's e purpose of us living on tis earth? -my impression of god is v lil, oni been exposed during pri sch days. all i noe is wat i heard frm my parents. -u seem to b doin quite well in church? why r u telling me all tis? i said becoz i care, i feel dat tis is gd, i wan to help u. he said he'll bomb me w lotsa qns. hee.. e more e merrier ;)
we arranged for tis thurs, to meet up n i'll b prepared for his qns w a fren stanley.. pray dat god bless stanley n alvin w strength, wisdom during e 2 studies. pray dat tis 2 frenz will be open, 've a soft heart n b moved by god's words. of coz e desire to seek after him.. i belive god's words is definitely powerful, amen.

wEdNeSdAy:
today's steph's 8th Spiritual B'day!!! wrote her a card w my new small grp - wei ting n jennifer. haha i'm still e youngest in terms of age.. :p
i'll learn to b more discipline. NO MORE CAB!!! it's so exp, even e cab driver say so.. e meter jumps faster than e past. over slept at hm, took a cab down 4 mid wk. i'll nv go hm n go out frm dere again. to solve my prob frm gg back hm, needa solve my prob = place to slp! haha..
felt e pinch in my heart even during mid wk, until when stanley shared the gd news dat joseph will be studying e bible on fri; i was so shocked, excited, cant believe dat it's a dream come true.
haha.. i den started to imagine e day when he'll get baptise in our church, me sharing, my first fruit, frm NYP somemore.. mission accomplished-setting up of NYP. haha.. i noe i tink too much n too far; but it's gd to 've great dreams 4 god, whether it'll come true it's up to god. *-)

tHuRsDaY:
had a great day! finish sch at 1pm, met steph 4 lunch in sch. initially e plan was to start evangelising at 2pm, but jas who initially say cant meet us called to say she's meeting us. aniway it's been a long time since i st w her. e 3 of us had a great time, juz talking abt attachment, sch, projs, lecturers..
at 3pm, steph n i went to my fav place in sch to pray b4 evangelising. at first i was insecure; how others will look at me e next time i meet dem ard in sch again.. but i commit everyth onto god's hands.. we had quality time! we reached out to 3 gals. gave all e invitation for davinci code thou none of dem could make it. 1st frm nursing yr2, kept rejecting us. 2nd - soe kuan, frm business mgt yr3, exchanged no., msn. she was v open to talk, make frenz, noe god. 3rd - ying lu, frm nursing yr3, exchanged no. too. chat 4 awhile den we left. somehow, i felt like we shld set up study on e spot, she seems like e potential one. steph shared abt e campus student she met w a sis in e kuching mission trip. e sis oso tot dat dere's smth she wan to share w e student n dey turned back to her n after chatting deeper dey realised smth new abt e student. that boosted my confidence, so we turned back n shared jeremiah 29 to her. she wasnt resistent, we shared acts 17 too. thou she seems quiet, not interested; at e later part of our time together, she got wat we meant, where we r coming frm.
i like steph's analogy to her. ying lu said "wait till he appear in front of me." she feels dat she cant c god, so abit diff to belive. steph den asked her, "wat abt air? wat abt dust? can u see dem? yet do dey exist?" it's god's wisdom lo.. tis striked ying lu n set her thinking.. we continued to chat den she went for lecture, steph n i went to meet felicia n we walked out to e mrt station together.
by e time i reached julie's hse was 6.15pm.. super late.. haha.. during e study both of us nv reply her sms, nv ans her phone call.. end up she was so worried abt us.. she did so many things n we still have not contacted her.. until 5pm..
at her hse, she shared w me abt discipling.. so thankful 4 e lesson, if not i'll be so lost n so burdened. having e thinking; being e disciple of a baby x'tian has great responsibility etc. actually, discipling is light-hearted n enjoyable. it's e sincere attitude wanting to serve her, wanting to help her meet her needs, being dere for her always. wat encourages me alot is tis, if one day she falls away; it's her own choice, it's b/w her n god. even if she had e best disciple on earth, it's no use. as long as i've done my part, shined for god, gd enuf. dat w all e verses frm e bible really assures me.
after which at 8.15pm, weiting finally arrived. we had dinner den her follow up study. julie n i were able to sit down n discuss how we can help her better. i felt dat today's lesson is v convicting for her n is v impt for her.. being a baby x'tian definitely is full of zeal. everyth is new, bibletalk, devo, scriptures. tis results in her being in a way superficial. esp now dat she started wrk, her qt is not consistent animore. she hasnt been taking god's words seriously, last wk when i enc her to do her qt in e morning, she seems burdened n not willing. today w e use of bible, she sees y she's quick to speak, slow to listen. it's gd dat she has tis self awareness. so we showed her verses abt e heart n pride; self-righteous.
was tinking next wk when i spend time w her, i'll share w her verses on putting god in e pic always, pride, taking god's words seriously as a follow up n reinforcement frm all e past few wks sermon esp today's follow-up study.
gotta pray hard hard for my 2 frens' study, ying lu to continue her study - dem to have a soft heart, open mind, desire to seek god; strength n wisdom for alvin n stanley n myself to b able to show dem wat god wans us to show dem, be used in a powerful way to impact these ppl.
for jas n py, gotta constantly pray for dem too. e talk w jas, i felt dat she changed. influenced alot by e world, letting go of christianity, totally got attracted by e world.

oh god, only u'r in control. until now i've not asked anyth in ur name. ask n i will receive n my joy will be complete.-john 16:24 trust in e lord w all my heart, lean not on my own understanding, in all ways acknowledge him, and he will make my paths straight.-proverbs 3:5-6

aMazIng wEeK =)

2006-07-14T03:50:00.000+09:00

it's been a wk of encouragement.. so glad n fortunate to be blessed w a father like him.. helped felicia to check her proj juz now, gosh.. made me feel so blessed n fortunate.. those kids dun even get basic needs met, dun 've e chance to noe god, but they'r definitely survivors.. hopefully one day can do smth for dem, gif edu, chance to noe god..

mY wEeK
mon - cHaLLeNgEd

tue - rEpENtAnCe
spend time w an awesome sis got to noe since last yr when we were both in teens.. she has grown so much eversince she wentover to e campus.. from the way she talk, she share her convictions.. i'm so proud of her.. thanks gal.. u spoke e truth n that helped alot..
i no longer live in self-pity animore.. it juz goes to show how impt our quiet time w god is.. been having very very inconsistent quiet time w god e past few mths during attachment.. tis caused me to sway so much when oni a small gust of wind passed by.. gosh.. repent repent...

wed - eNcOuRaGeD
spent time w steph.. spent u quantity n quality time.. gosh.. nearly had sore throat.. guess tis is our trend, long time nv spend time; once we spend time, we'll spend long long time.. haha.. aniw.. glad dat we managed to update each other, had lots of laughs, jokes n personal time..
thank god for putting me in a position where i get to really learn spiritually n haf fun w peers of my age..

thur - fgHtng tmE
sat in wei ting's (my 1st disciple) follow-up study.. 1st spend time after dat.. gosh.. i tink i wasn't tactful enuf, she seems so shock after dat.. maybe coz she still doesnt noe dat i'm discipling her n wat discipling really mean.. she tot dat julie is her disciple.. before, during n after e spend time, i had many things on e list dat i wan to help her to change.. but i cant possibly bomb her all at one go n definitely i cant expect anione to change over e nite.. hmm.. gotta really plan wat is e most impt thing to instill in her first.. wat lesson shld i prepare for her first? gotta start reading up on e book dat steph lend me - discipleship. gosh.. i cant believe dat i'll disciple someone so soon.. my time isn't god's time, my plan isn't god's plan.. (quoted frm marilyn =P)
oso like wat gim lay n steph say; "God's moulding ur character." indeed.. if not my x'tian life wont be like a ride on a roller coaster eversince i step out of e water on 5th jun '05..
msged jasmine today abt e davinci code svc tis sun, heard frm steph she's considering ytd.. hopefully she'll turn up on sun..
invited 2classmates, thou oni one can turn up.. but it's a victory oreadi.. invited him quite a no. of times since e special svc earlier of tis yr.. glad dat he agreed w/o hesistating.. gotta pray dat he'll b convicted n his heart to soften during tis 2wks..

hai.. it's so late again.. since last wk till today, been slping so late.. so lil.. gonna be like tarepanda soon.. gosh.. hmm.. share more tml.. hopefully i'l b hm by 11pm..
trust in e lord w all ur heart, lean not on ur own understanding, but acknowledge him in all ways and he'll make ur paths straight. tml's another day..

eNcOuRaGiNg dAy~

2006-07-11T04:45:00.000+09:00

It's juz so convicting that i'm in e kingdom, where dere's bro n sis always dere for one another.. actually quite tired after e world cup n yeah!! italy won!, stressed by mum n sch.. Was juz sayin to a sis today morning dat i seem to haf better friendship w frenz frm e world than frenz frm e kingdom.. god is definitely always ard, nv left us alone; not even a sec..
was so enc by e conversation i had in e wee hrs.. so encouraged.. recently ppl whom i used to turn to r either busy or stressd up or not in s'pore.. i'm juz very encouraged and convicted.. i do not 've to say much, i'm oreadi understood.. it's so relieving n wat other word can i say encouraged.. i'm encouraged to speak up , start telling a lil bit abt what i wan (thou i'll definitely struggle), dere's no prob abt being personal every now n then.. juz dun b afraid to talk.. frm here, indeed god is everywhere, amen. juz gotta pray that my zeal, fighting spirit to shine for him will nv b blown off; my convictions will grow.. oso for e spend time on wed to really b one of quality time w one another n i'll really b able to learn frm e spend time tonite too.. who says dat i'll oni learn frm ppl much older than me (physically)? why cant ppl of my age grp b impacting me, b teaching me as well? guess i'll juz 've to put in dat x-tra effort to build friendship w sis frm campus as well as reaching out to e lost, bringin light to nyp.. oh father, i do not wan to gif up on ur initial mission 4 us juz like dat.. it's e true faith test, where u put more challenges to see if my faith is really strong n based on u god.. i've conquered one earlier on tis yr, juz gotta pray dat tis time round i'll not oni not fall, but i'll grow stronger in my faith in u god..
wan to ask for forgiveness for having doubt in u when u'r e oni one who's in control of us of everyth on tis earth 4 u'r our creator.. wan to thank u 4 everyth u've done n planned for me.. it juz shows how much u love me.. u'r so dear dat none of us can live w/o.. love u

wHy!!! :'(

2006-07-07T04:16:00.000+09:00

challenges after challenges after challenges... how can some ppl live each day aimlessly, not wrking, slacking at hm all day? doesnt he feel bored? useless? bad abt himself? if he is, y isnt he doin anyth abt it? how can he still depend on her each day? at e age of 25? i juz dun understand.. his struggle too? struggle to wat den? struggle to face life? oh.. how can i help? where's god in e pic here? 4 me to remind myself not to fall into sin? not to fall away? definitely more than dat rite?
my dear father.. help me... i'm lost, discouraged by dat quarrel he n she had at 3am.. while i was in e midst of catching some slp after a long day's wrk.. god.. i noe dat u'r an awesome god.. i wan to thank u 4 sending ppl into my life.. u nv fail to use dem powerfully to impact me.. i oso noe dat u'r in ctrl n u oways amaze us in e way u ans our prayer.. i do not wan to lose faith, lost trust, lose patience, lose hope in u father.. i wan to rely on u.. i wan to shine 4 u.. i wan to live my life 4 u.. 4 u'r e prince of peace..
i do not wan to use my strength, my wisdom to handle things.. god u've oways been w me.. nv was dere once u left me.. way back since i was 9.. i sincerely pray dat u'll bless me w ur wisdom, ur strength to face each day.. i wan to fight 4 u til e last day of my life.. i noe e oni way to do it n make it to heaven one day is to do 've consistent quiet time w u lord.. therefore, i wan to thank u 4 today's lesson by julie.. thou it's by rite wei ting's follow up study, but i felt like u'r speaking to me thru her.. letting me see how impt n how having consistent quiet time helps.. i really see it for my own eyes.. it's a gradual thing.. not sudden.. lastly i juz wan to pray dat my organiser will be found god... it contains so much memories inside.. MUCH MORE WORTH than money.. god.. i really cant afford to lose it.. even e organiser itself is a memory, wat's more 4 e content..
lastly i wan to thank u 4 everyth u've done 4 me n everyone, blessing me w ppl like my dear fren in e kingdom-felicia.. wan to pray dat u'll bless her w ur wisdom n strength to go thru tis tough time, lead her to e way u wan her to be.. wan to pray dat she'll get her bond too god.. will be fasting on dinner for her.. wan to commit everyth onto ur hands.. i love u.. in jesus name i pray, amen.

2006-07-02T03:38:00.000+09:00

*sigh* finally managed to haf a blog too... lots of wrk to be done still yet it's time to slp.. :)

hee. ;)

2006-07-02T03:27:00.000+09:00

Felicia done my blog for me!!!